How Great Is Our God

Last night was a pretty good night, I was probably a 6-7 on my pain scale...but God's blessings still poured through and the pain subsided. Last night I was hurt and I admit a bit angry that my family has yet to call me to check on me or give me any update with the 'grams situation'. I don't know what to do any more and I pretty much just wanna give up. So I called some people for some advice after talking to mike about it, and of course the only 2 opinions I really wanted were Rose and Anna.

Rose was with MJ and forgot her charger so I knew I was outta luck there. I called Anna and left a message, and we played phone tag a bit lol. Found Anna online and finally 'met' Mike S. Oh buddy I don't think I was expecting that experience. One of my biggest fears throughout my whole life has been Failure. Something I didn't want anyone to know, I wanted to keep my cool so to speak. Well last night for some reason Mike S. tells me that I can't be afraid of failure. Like where the heck does that come from and why is this dude telling me this. This dude was pretty brave to say something like that to me lol.

Any other time I would have gotten angry for someone saying something like that, but I just sat there awe struck in disbelief that he just said those words. Can't let the fear of failure hold you back. If you fall down then get back up and try again. Everyone fails but it's how you react to that is what matters. Hmmm mre of my own words thrown in my face, but I needed to hear it. I am not here to put anyone down so please don't misread my next paragraph.

My biological family, when I lived in NC I constantly lived in fear of some sort. Fear that I would never be good enough, Fear that I would do something wrong. I would be so scared that I wouldn't make a poster for my room right that I didn't even make it, how sad is that. Constantly feeling the pressure that I needed to be perfect. I am sure maybe my parents tried to do the best that could, with the knowledge they had. After all, for the most part they did keep me alive 18 years right? Not until the past year or so have I experienced unconditional love and I am still trying to get used to it.

Here's fear gone too far, when you fear that you won't love someone 'right' so you decide not to love at all. When you hide your feelings from those you really and truly care about because you feel it's wrong. I didn't realize how bad I had it till last night. I had a great time talking with Anna and Mike last night and a few things were brought to light and today I have more peace. Last night their daughter Jennifer even asked how my chiropractic stuff was going. I felt walls going up fast for some reason...no need to worry the foundation was rocky and it all fell down lol. I have found a love I have been searching for for a loooong time. A place I feel I can be myself and I won't be put down or criticized or loved any less because of it.

Last night both me and Anna had dreams of me being in TX. Confirmations are still coming in from different people. That's why I am now announcing that we are moving to TX begining of 2009. We do not have an exact location laid out yet all of that will come in time I know. But I feel God wants me to be where I will be edified in His will...and I know I'll receive that in TX. Me and Mike P. are both excited about this move and look forward to all God has in store for us both.

Side Note: I will not be calling my family. I feel that only more hurt and pain will come. But I will be writing a letter to them this week and say everything that I would say if we were on the phone. Thanks for your love support and prayers. It's good to be a part of the Schnable/Richter family. :)