Sunday and Monday

Sunday started off well I woke up at 7 am with a mission in mind. After the talk with Debbie Saturday night a BRILLIANT idea popped into my head. (check out facebook for more info) So I go for a early morning run up to the store and Mike meets me there with the truck we run to walmart to get supplies and head back home and I get to work. I am not joking or exaggerating when I say I worked ALL day on my 'Murray project'. I dressed up as a guy with the name of Murray and decided to make myself Debbie and Corrine's fan club manager lol. Yeh, talk about weird...but I had a lot of fun and I got brownies outta the deal...AND I gave two people (at least) a good laugh and that was worth it all in itself. I also started a fan club on facebook for them haha. It wasn't suppose to be serious but so many people have jumped on and so I am just gonna leave it up. Those two women deserve that and more.



Monday started off fabulous. Joan made a fan club all about me lol...I thought it was really sweet and thoughtful. Weird thing...people actually have joined in!!! Most people would probably look at it like ummm ok whatever...but to me it meant a lot and was really special to read everyone's comments and such. Work started off ok but then Jamie called in and everything went into chaos. I was moved to fuel Sue came in and worked grocery (I plea the 5th on stating my feelings on that), and I got nothing accomplished today. I felt horrible because of it. Monday is truck day and I have it all planned out how I'll do what and when. Oh well that's life I suppose. I just had to make the best outta the sitaution. We got a lot of rain and some snow today and I guess it made people crabby. It's like everyone had an attitude with me today I was like sheesh what did i do??? Thinking back to my fan club cheered me up though and made the time fly by a little faster.

Today is my one year anniversary of being with Mike in person...and one year of being abuse free! It feels so good to be set free from the bondage and chains it had on my life. I am a VICTOR of abuse PRAISE GOD!!!

I am home now and just trying to relax...it's a bit cold. I have something that I want to write about Debbie and Corrine I just hope I can find the words to say which would be a miracle in itself. Anywho off to find some chocolate and caffiene then to do some more writing.

Today has been a good day. It was good to just be able to relax and not have to worry about going into work. I've just spent the day taking it easy hanging out with the gomers and such. I walked over to Jeri's house today and spent about an hour just chatting with her about anything and everything. We're making some plans to get together in the near future when I start getting some money coming back in...I can't wait.

Ok so check it out dude...we just opened our 12-pack of coke that we bought this morning and there was some kind of weird substance in there. We have no clue what it was but the cops came out and they are taking it to investigate...guess we'll find out soon. We could have a lawsuit against coke HAHA (jk)!

Tomorrow I am thinking about going for a run up to the store just to get out and get a little excersize...keep my legs active as they've really been killing me lately. Me and Mike are gonna cook out tomorrow. The weather is finally starting to look up and we're gonna take advantage of it while we can. Jeri wants to start walking too to try and loose weight but has to wait until her sons wrestling season is over in April.

Anywho that's my day and my plans for tomorrow. I wrote a really good blog earlier this morning but as I was posting it it some how got lost...if it comes back to me I'll post it.

3-28-08

I am sort of surprised to say that today was a great day. This morning I woke up took a shower grabbed the caffiene and hopped online before work to check messages. Mama gomer gave me a link to her and auntie gomers videos and I was brave enough to watch them before work. You know it's sort of weird...most people probably wouldn't find them funny...and I am not sure what exactly is so funny but those two trip me out!

I head into work and gave everyone a good morning...as I past Tara I could resist but to say Good morning old lady LOL. (As yesterday she took my compliment as an insult to her age) She was still having a laugh about that today going around telling everyone and anybody. The day was fairly slow and I was running out of things to do. I cleaned the whole front end and did some facing as my main projects for the day. I surprised myself at how much I really remembered as I ran across a couple of issues myself but was able to fix it without calling a manager...and I was also able to help the 3:30 chick that came in...don't ask me her name...I have no idea lol.

Anywho my lil 5 year old buddy came in today, Riley. OMG I love this kid she's absolutely adorable with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She came in with her grams and saw me and her eyes lit up. It's the first time she's seen me since I've come back. Well I said hi to her and honest to God she puts her hands on her hips and says you left me and my mommy and didn't tell us bye we didn't know where you were I'll talk to you when I am ready. My jaw just hit the floor and I couldn't help but giggle and just say yes ma'am! Well she was getting a jump rope and I always had her her goodies back when I ring them up...but I just held onto it this time. She just gave me this funny look like hey that's mine...then said ok ok hi now can I have it? LOL I love kids they are so funny and really brighten my day.

I managed to get out on time today WITH a Caramello bar in hand yummy!!! I have to make a few phone calls. Grams isn't doing too good and is really starting to worry me *sigh*. I gotta call mama D back she was busy last night singing at the homeless shelter, and I gotta call my mom back. It was a really good day and I have been so blessed by what most would see as just 'little things'. It's the little things that are over looked sometimes and under estimated. Look for blessings in your life and keep in mind that, big blessings can come in small packages!

God's Blessings

After a stressful day coming home and ranting and raving about it in my post...I must say God has brought me at peace. I admit work was hard...I was a bit irritated with people coming into work but then hanging out in the break room instead of getting to work. In the last 2 hours I've completely come at peace and this is how and why.

1. I received a reply from mama D and a few things came up that I had no idea she was feeling. After a few tears and deep breaths...I began to feel better. I miss her so much and love her more than I believe anyone will ever know. She really helped me a lot of times...and if she could have...she would have locked me away so nothing bad would ever happen to me. When I told her I was leaving town she just seemed not to care and I was a bit hurt...but that was talked about too. Things make sense now...I am glad we're talking again like we used to...I can't wait to see her again.

2. Emily got online this evening after I got home and I got to talk to her for a bit again. Although it was mostly me talking about Donna's email...I enjoy just spending time with her. I am so thankful that she's always there to listen to me and lend a shoulder when I need it. She always seems to put a smile on my face at the perfect times....I hope I do the same for her.

3. After I sent my reply back to Donna and said farewell to Emily...I went into praise and worship. Something that totally hit the spot. The love I felt from my 'family' and friends was awesome...but to feel it from God as well...PRICELESS!!! I spent about an hour just singing out praises to him and thanking him for the day all the good and the bad and helping me get through it. A God...our God...my God...would take the time to sit down beside me and let me cry on his shoulder and relieve myself of all the stress from the day.

I have to admit...I have some of the greatest friends ever. From near to far spread through out the whole country...some I have grown up with some I have grown close to. Some I have had sleep overs with...some I have only dreamed of meeting. In the end they are all the same with unconditional love and always there for me when I need it. I say I have a lot of best friends they're all too great to just name one of them the best. But I do indeed have a best friend, his name is Jesus. He's the ultimate and spends everyday with me. Sometimes he feels near sometimes he feels so far away due to overwhelming feelings of the day. He raised me from a babe and always had His hand guiding me towards his perfect will of my life. He has watched over me when I was awake and fast asleep, as I dream of the day when I will be with Him in paradise as he promised me.

I am so blessed to have the friends I do and to have God still standing by my side. I thought he would have given up on me a long time ago, but he never has and never will. He is my strength when I am weak He is the treasure that I seek, He is my all in all!

3-27-08

Omg...if there has ever been a stressful day...today was the day. My day did start out pretty good though. I had messages in my inbox from Donna K, Donna L who claims to be my seregant mother, like 5 of my gomer pals on facebook and to top it all off...I actually got to talk to Emily for about 15 minutes on yahoo this morning before work. I was happy all was grand. I arrive at work and it's a truck day...I just stayed focused but did try to slow down a little today. I worked with Tara most of the day putting the load away and such. I learned how to do the magazines for the first time and what a pain in the butt!

About 2 pm rolls around I have an hour and a half to get 2 more crates put away, movies checked in, lottery done, drawer organized and station cleaned. I knew I was running out of time and wouldn't make it. I tried to stay calm Tara came by noticing I was stressing out b/c it wasn't all done and told me to just breathe and take it easy that it'd be ok. So I tried to take her advice...I open the last crate and get off easy as there was no slip inside for me to check everything off. 1 down and 4 to go...I cleaned up one area and rushed over to start getting the movies done...keep in mind an hour has already passed by. People kept coming in and I kept getting side tracked...I just couldn't do it alone. I began to give up slowly knowing there was no way I was gonna get it all done. I managed to catch a break and got the movies checked in half way...but no big deal night people can find the cards and put them away.

I put my sign out at 3:30 on the dot to try and rush to get my lottery done and my actual work station cleaned up. Half way in the middle of me doing my lottery another line backs up and the other chick freaks out and calls for help...meanwhile Eric (manager) takes my sign down and calls people over...and here comes 5 more people down my lane. I couldn't believe it...I just wanted to scream. I turned and looked at Eric and told him to get a drawer that I was leaving. He seemed agitated that I told him my shift was up...but that's not my fault. I finished getting the line down closed out lottery did a quick clean up and ran out the door not bothering to organize my drawer. On my way out the door hearing 3 people calling out my name and I said nuh uh leave a message at the beep Tracey has left the building!

I am sooooo glad tomorrow is Friday. I love it when I have things to do to keep me busy...but when I can't finish out my day I really take it hard on myself. Something I have to work on...it's just me. My managers tell me not to worry about it that they'll take care of it that I did enough for the day...but every morning I go in I set a standard on all I want to get done and if I don't get it done then I feel horrible and like I have failed. Anywho that's another story for another time. Thank God tomorrow is Friday!

Long Day

Ok so this morning started ok...^^this^^ is what I looked like before work. I thought it'd be best NOT to watch mama and debbie on video again...the one day I could have used it. I had everything done at work by 9:15am and I was going completely outta my mind. There was NOTHING to do...and everyone is too poor to pay $3.15 a gallon for gas these days to go out.

You know what I hate? I really hate middle aged tattle tales...I sworny!!! One of the chick that I work with hates my guts for some reason...if I stop moving for 1 second she runs off and tells a manager and it drives me absolutely mad. The funny thing that some don't know is that we all watch either others back...so I had a heads up on what she was doing and knew it was just a matter of time before Wayne came out. In the end of random banter...we ended it all off in laughs and me on break.

I was invited by the girls to go play bingo on tuesday nights...I must say I got that 'childish girly excitement' going in me for only a brief moment. I haven't played bingo since my grams...she was the only one I ever played with. I feel if I play bingo without her...it sort of takes away a special moment between me and grams, so I've yet decided if I am going to join the girls night out.

I walked home from work today with beautiful weather...a bit windy but all in all good. It's so funny the little things that God can show us...through the littelest people. There were quite a few kids out in the neighborhood playing basketball, lacross and little 'contest' on who can jump the highest and run the fastest. I noticed that as I walked by and they noticed me coming...every one of them began to 'show off' a bit...as though there was something to prove to me...a passing stranger. They ended up making more mistakes and becoming a bit embarrased. I just laughed it off and kept going...as I was crossing through the park to the complex...it dawned on me, I too do the same everyday. When Randy or Wayne comes around especially I try to move a little faster do things a tad bit better than I would if they weren't around. Don't get me wrong I do my job to the fullest...but there's always a little more...that 'special touch' you can add. I wonder how 'foolish' and how many more mistakes I actually make when I try to speed things up and add the 'special touch' to things. A simple lesson in just being yourself!

Day wasn't THAT bad I suppose...^^this^^ is how I turned out at the end. Umm yeah I am definitely glad the day is over!

Day started out pretty good. I woke up at 6:30 showered and grabbed the caffiene. Decided I'd chill out online for a little bit before work. Never knowing that that was my first wrong move of the day! So I get on and run across mama gomer's facebook profile...I was still moving a bit slow and needed a boost...so I watched THE VIDEO again. That's right the hot sauce mama and debbie crack me up so bad video. Well it did it's job...TOO much. I sworny every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jane bought hot sauce today and I couldn't stop laughing to save my life. I tried to hold it in...but then I'd see mama's face go 10 shades red and hear Debbie saying I think mama needs a moment of meditation and privacy. So everyone saw me making weird faces and turning red as I was trying to hold my laughter in...it was HORRIBLE. Like they don't think I am a big enough freak anyway. I had a great day though...a little laughter never killed anyone lol.

The day was really hectic and fast pace...I didn't even take a lunch break till 2 today. I didn't wanna stop work I felt I was falling behind I had so much I wanted to get done. Wayne finally came up to me and told me ENOUGH lol. That's pretty sad when your manager forces you to take a break lol. Good news...I got everything done today so I feel accomplished. Things are still going really well. Although Wayne and Tara can't stop picking on me to save their lives...I have an awesome time bantering back and forth with them lol.

I got an email from an old ummm 'rival' last night and this morning. Someone I know from another chat room and well we just never got along. I am not really sure why but she asked if she could speak with my privately and gave me her msn addy. I am sort of anxious to see what she has to say. I haven't been to that chat in a while...and only recently been in as one of the mods told me a lot of people were asking about me. I hope whatever it is she has to say is better than things thats been said in the past...we'll see.

Anywho that was my day...ready to just relax and go goof off with my gomer pals on the 3d boards. Tomorrow is a new day...new obstacles...with new ways to make a fool of yourself!

First day back to work.

Well I must start by saying that I have not seen 6 o'clock show up twice in 1 day in a loooong time. I managed to get up on time drag myself to the shower stretch a smile across my face and make it to work on time. Arriving at work was great...there were a lot of happy people to see me back. It feels good to be missed...I wouldn't go as far as saying loved lol...but at least I could tell I was and am cared about.

The day started off slow I was shown how to check movies in and deal with all that paperwork stuff...which was partially my first time doing...but I suceeded. I had that done and the front end cleaned by 9 am. With in my first two hours I had already been cussed out by a customer via phone...as she swore on her life she had her movies turned in...they showed up later in the day when I did a 2nd check in the box...surprise surprise. Anywho, about 9:30 they brought out the HBA merchandise from the truck to be checked in and put away. Between messing with that mess, working my till, helping random customers and answer phone calls I managed to get all the HBA merchandise checked in and put away by 1:30pm.

Now here's the funny thing, I have never really worked 'side by side' with Tara and Wayne...today was my first day. I must say I believe I impressed them when I showed them all I had accomplished. At 1:30 I was done with EVERYTHING...there was nothing else to do and the customers were slow today. I went to Tara and Wayne asking for more work and they just laughed me off telling me to go do the HBA. It took me dragging them over to the area and showing them that it was all checked in AND put away where it belongs. They had nothing else to say besides go to lunch lol.

That's another problem I had...I HATE TAKING LUNCH BREAKS!!! I'd rather be working I can't sit down for 15 minutes much less 30 minutes. So I just took it easy and goofed around with my co workers. After a long day of being cussed out by customers, managers and co workers picking on me, me being fussed out to slow down with my work process, fighting not to take a lunch break...I'd have to say the day didn't end half bad lol. I am happy to be back although it is bit of a change and I really work alone at the front...I really had a great day and enjoy the crew that I work with. I am excited to finish out the rest of the week. Tomorrow I get to sleep in an extra hour...WOOHOO!!!

Easter Sunday 2008

I must admit I have a few mixed feelings about Easter...especially this year. I used to count down the days to Easter. No, not just because we woke up to easter baskets full of candy and stuffed animals; but because I knew that day my grandma would have the best day of her life. It was the one day out of the year that she could actually get all of my family together. No matter what, you could always count on seeing all the family that one day out of the year.

Grandma passed away September 25 2005 and well honestly...nothing has been the same. Not only do I miss her more than words could EVER express, I miss my family coming together...if only for that one day out of the year. I have moved away since then first to Tennessee and now in Minnesota, I am far from home and my family. It has been a challenge but I believe today I realized how much I miss home. This past year has really been an eye opener for me and I've really matured in a lot of my ways.

I realize the importance of family, friends, home, love and even life itself. Maybe that's why this Easter is a bit difficult to get through. With my family over 1,000 miles away, Mike's family is scattered all about it just seems that Easter has a new meaning. We haven't done much for Easter this year...honestly we did nothing. I've spent most of my day thinking of past Easter gatherings back home and wondering when and how Mike and I will begin our own family traditions.

All that said and set aside, the true meaning of Easter still remains. Family is amazing, seeing family members dressed as Easter bunny is ridiculously halarious, traditions are carried on, Resurrection of Christ...priceless. It brings joy, excitment and deeper understanding of love when I think back to the cruxifiction of Christ. The sacrafice he made WILLINGLY, knowing that at any minute he could have said I have had enough and walked away from it all. How many times do we scream out and say ENOUGH and give up on ourselves, our friends and even our families? Just as Christ endured the ulitmate sacrifice till the end, then came back rising from the dead; shouldn't we do the same? Look at all the good, love and joy that came out of his sacrafice and resurrection; I believe that if we 'stick it out' as Christ did and push through the hard times...we too will experience good times, unconditional love and pure joy beyond all understanding...and it will be passed down from generation to generation.

I hope and pray that you all had a blessed Easter no matter the circumstances you may be in, no matter how far away you are from family. Start a new tradition this year, a tradition that could have endless possibilities. God bless you all.

Faith

Originally written Sunday March 16 2008 9:44 am

Last night I woke up at 12:57 am wide awake. For some reason I was thinking back to my time over the last 3 years with all my moves through NC and TN up to MN. Most of my life has been spent in fear.

As a child I fear all that I did not know, would I make it in this world, what do I do and where do I go. Later on in life I began to fear that which I knew. A little later in life I began to fear for life itself. I had placed myself in positions where I did not know if I would survive the day or not. I turned to alcohol, drugs and other addictions I never believed I could get out of. As I moved to TN things only got worse.

I found myself living with complete strangers, being a mother to a child they didn't deserve. I found myself fighting with abuse once again. I found myself living with 3 men who only knew of the party life. I found myself drowning in fear. I couldn't sleep at night worrying what would happened if I dozed off for only a moment.

When in TN I began to start trying to get my head above water. Although I was still living with a man...I knew I could win this fight I got myself into. I fell in love with God on a level I had never been before. It was deeper than anything I experienced as a child. I actually had breakfeast, lunch and dinner dates set up with him. We'd just sit and talk for hours and look at his art work. I had found a way to escape my fear...through God...he raised me up and set my feat back on solid ground.

Then something happened and my world once again came crashing down. The man I lived with became violent. I found myself trapped in a place I knew for sure would cost me my life. Going days without food and having to keep it a secret. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and I slowly began to give up. I knew it was a matter of time before my life would be taken from me.

As I laid awake many nights wondering when the end would come, I never expected to find myself thinking of God. When people are in their final moments of life they usually find themselves thinking of family, friends, where they went wrong, what they could of done different and such things. I found myself thinking of my 'dates' with God. The peace and happiness that I had in those moments. I longed to be there with him again. I needed him to come and rescue me out of my pit of despair and loniness.

Since I found myself unable to sleep and all alone in the house...I decided to praise God and pray for answers. I was reminded of Paul and Silas in the bible, and held strong to my faith. The night that I knew I would surely died was the night my 'jail and chains' began to crumble and fall. The guy I was staying with pulled a gun on me and had his friend their backing him up. Then they just left the house and said they'd be back. It was my chance to escape.

I had trust issues with authorities but knew I had to call the cops. So I placed my trust completely in God and made the call. That night I was taken away, 'unharmed' but shooken up, to a women's shelter to start a new chapter in my life.

I know this is a bit long, but I realized the importance of life. I've had a lot of things taken from me. A lot of sentimental things, food, freedom, respect and nearly life itself. One thing that was not taken away and never will be taken away is FAITH. There were many times I turned away from God and yelled at him in anger, but there was NEVER a time in which he left me. He was always there even when I couldn't see him. Now that I look back I see him standing right there with me, many times carrying me.

Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Job Opportunity

So I got a call from Wayne yesterday and he wanted me to come in and have a talk with him and Tara about me returning to work for Byron Market Place. At first I was all excited but arriving at the store and actually standing there waiting for them to call me in...I suddenly became extremely nervous. You see Wayne is this kind of guy well he's tough. Not necessarily mean but you definitely do NOT want to be caught on his bad side. Anywho, the meeting started and we discussed issues that were at hand. I felt they really listened to me and my concerns, and I did the same for them in return. We both expressed our gratitude to the other just for the opportunity and intrests of me coming back to work. Wayne expressed to me that he took it personal when I left and I swear I think he got teary eyed...I saw it! LOL but that's our little secret...wouldn't want to ruin his reputation or anything. ;)

So after about half an hour of talking with Wayne and Tara they decided to give me a second chance which I am ever so grateful for. I will be working day time shift now...taking over Jenn's hours while she is on maternity leave. I start Monday morning at 7am...OUCH! They said they really like me there but they've never seen my morning side LOL. We'll see how it all goes and how well we all hold up to our word in the next coming weeks.