Faith

Originally written Sunday March 16 2008 9:44 am

Last night I woke up at 12:57 am wide awake. For some reason I was thinking back to my time over the last 3 years with all my moves through NC and TN up to MN. Most of my life has been spent in fear.

As a child I fear all that I did not know, would I make it in this world, what do I do and where do I go. Later on in life I began to fear that which I knew. A little later in life I began to fear for life itself. I had placed myself in positions where I did not know if I would survive the day or not. I turned to alcohol, drugs and other addictions I never believed I could get out of. As I moved to TN things only got worse.

I found myself living with complete strangers, being a mother to a child they didn't deserve. I found myself fighting with abuse once again. I found myself living with 3 men who only knew of the party life. I found myself drowning in fear. I couldn't sleep at night worrying what would happened if I dozed off for only a moment.

When in TN I began to start trying to get my head above water. Although I was still living with a man...I knew I could win this fight I got myself into. I fell in love with God on a level I had never been before. It was deeper than anything I experienced as a child. I actually had breakfeast, lunch and dinner dates set up with him. We'd just sit and talk for hours and look at his art work. I had found a way to escape my fear...through God...he raised me up and set my feat back on solid ground.

Then something happened and my world once again came crashing down. The man I lived with became violent. I found myself trapped in a place I knew for sure would cost me my life. Going days without food and having to keep it a secret. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and I slowly began to give up. I knew it was a matter of time before my life would be taken from me.

As I laid awake many nights wondering when the end would come, I never expected to find myself thinking of God. When people are in their final moments of life they usually find themselves thinking of family, friends, where they went wrong, what they could of done different and such things. I found myself thinking of my 'dates' with God. The peace and happiness that I had in those moments. I longed to be there with him again. I needed him to come and rescue me out of my pit of despair and loniness.

Since I found myself unable to sleep and all alone in the house...I decided to praise God and pray for answers. I was reminded of Paul and Silas in the bible, and held strong to my faith. The night that I knew I would surely died was the night my 'jail and chains' began to crumble and fall. The guy I was staying with pulled a gun on me and had his friend their backing him up. Then they just left the house and said they'd be back. It was my chance to escape.

I had trust issues with authorities but knew I had to call the cops. So I placed my trust completely in God and made the call. That night I was taken away, 'unharmed' but shooken up, to a women's shelter to start a new chapter in my life.

I know this is a bit long, but I realized the importance of life. I've had a lot of things taken from me. A lot of sentimental things, food, freedom, respect and nearly life itself. One thing that was not taken away and never will be taken away is FAITH. There were many times I turned away from God and yelled at him in anger, but there was NEVER a time in which he left me. He was always there even when I couldn't see him. Now that I look back I see him standing right there with me, many times carrying me.

Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you."