My Testimony

I was born May 7th 1987 at Betsy Johnston Hospital in Dunn, North Carolina. Still to this day, a part of me feels that was my first mistake. The doctor told my parents I was to be a boy...of course they were extremely excited as I was the 2nd child and my dad wanted someone to carry on the family name. Obviously as you can see...the doctor made a 'mistake'. I know my mom loves me and deep down I feel my dad does too...just something has a wall between us.

Lets skip a few years to when my life began to change drastically. One bright blissful morning I woke up to prepare for another day of 5th grade. I went to the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth and such. My sister entered as well (she was in 7th grade) and I said good morning isn't God good? I was quickly told to shut up and not to say HIS name again. I said umm ok but I love ya and Jesus does too...and that began my living nightmare. My sister grabbed me by the shirt threw me against the wall and looked me in the eyes and threatened me to never say His name again. I knew something was wrong...the look in her eyes I'll never forget...I knew it was the begining of something bad. We were raised in church with family...so I didn't see what the big deal was. I shook everything off and went to school as though nothing ever happened.

That was only the begining of my abuse years. It happened everyday for 5 years. Everything from being thrown into doors and having them broke...to having things thrown at me, to having a knife held above me while I prayed harder than ever for someone to come in. I became petrified and in a way...I wish she would have just killed me just to save me from the daily ongoing pain. I couldn't tell anyone or I knew more devestating trouble would follow. My parents worked and so they had no clue of anything that was going on...they just saw the evidence of broken doors and such. Of course I took the blame for it and was punished every time.

Begining in my 5th grade year my sister revealed to me that she was having affair with teachers at school. I was made to call the teachers and get them on the phone in case the wife picked up. I was always walking a tight rope...if I didn't be nice to them I was doomed and if I was too nice I was doomed. A vicious cycle I never thought would end. My sister slept with anyone and everyone and I lost my trust in everyone. Everyone you're suppose to trust; cops, teachers, doctors and even parents...I lost it all. I became angry with God that I was in the situation...and it all started by me saying God is good...Jesus loves you.

I was loosing my faith slowly but surely. I needed help and wanted to get out. Many nights I cried myself to sleep begging God to come rescue me. I began to become numb to the pain and hurt that I felt not only on the outside but inside as well. My parents couldn't see through and see what was really happening, my sister wanted me dead for some reason, my nana and papa adored my sister and cousins and I was neglected, my great grams and grandpappy loved me I knew but were too far away to visit or call. My bestest and closest friend was my grams on my dad's side. To this day I still believe that she knew what was going on and always gave me that teaspoon of faith and hope I needed to push on.

July 27th 1999 I gave my life to Christ restored my trust and faith in him to lift me outta my pit of hell. I was still being abused on daily basis not only from my sister but also teachers and others that she 'fooled around' with. I was teased and harrased at school as news began to spread about my sister. I was humiliated, I just wanted to crawl into a 20 foot hole and cover the top. In 9th grade health class abuse was brought up...and I built up the courage to tell my teacher what was going on and that's when my world began to change. I was sent to talk to a counselor and told her everything that was going on. My parents refused to believe what I had just revealed and I believe that hurt more than anything. My sister finally confessed to everything and was sent away to get some help.

I managed to survive high school, I can't say it was the best years of my life though. If my sister hadn't 'fooled around' with my teacher she had 'fooled around' with my teachers husband or boyfriend. I was teased and harrased almost daily by boys in the school telling me they'll pay me 2 dollars if I slept with them and stuff. I graduated 2005 with honors and all glory to God. There were about 5 teachers that helped me get there and without them I don't know where I'd be right now. July 26 2005 I moved out of my parents house as things just weren't good at home. Nothing was the same after everything was revealed. I was stretched between working at Andy's, going to CCCC full time, helping with the youth at church and living a secret life. My grams passed away September 25th 2005...I had lost my best friend and only hope.

I hit my rebellion stage and was just extremely angry with everyone and everything. I turned to speed, alcohol, and addictions to energy drinks and internet. I soon quit speed to some friends that I knew online...helped me work through it...Praise God. I continued drinking on daily basis...my room mate was of age and bought it for me so I had easy access. CVS eventually refused to sell me any more energy drinks and passed the word to Food Lion next door...yeh it was that bad. I was drinking anywhere between 4-10 a day. Internet consumed my life...if not on the road working or at school I was online chatting away with anyone and everyone. I began living in a fantasy world.

In between I was engaged for the first time 12-2-05 to Matt Sorrell. Also on 12-2-05 I was in a tragic car accident that was quoted to have meant to be my killer. I walked away without a scratch but car completely totaled. I thanked God for sparing my life and it really woke me up. Although I had tried suicide before with cutting and overdosing on OTC aspirin...in reality...I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I lost my priorities and was forced to move out, so on 2-18-06 I hit the road to Knoxville, TN to move in with some people that I met online. We arrived on 2-19-06 about 12:30 in the morning stayed up all night talking and the next day celebrated the birthday of their 6 year old son.

I soon found out that I was now the care taker of their son. Between his schooling, 'spiritual learning' and even just spending quality time with him...it was all my job. I was made a moderator at the chat site that these people ran and that consumed my nights. My life was spinning out of control. 2 months after moving to TN...my engagement was called off. I had little or no contact with my family as I was 'banned' until I got my life straight...or so that's how I felt. More abuse followed with the people I lived with and I moved 8 more times back and forth between homes. I had no control of my life and I was completely miserable. I ran away 3 times only to be caught.

I moved out with these people I met online and moved in with who was my boyfrind at the time, Lincoln. I moved in with him and 2 other guys he was staying with...BIG mistake. I started drinking again and became a really horrid person. I hated my life it had no point I was just sitting around watching life pass me by. I still struggled with internet addictions. My boyfriend became abuse to me as well, I did everything to protect myself but to not anger him any more. Needless to say we broke up...but I had no where to go so I stayed there till I got money to make a move. (meanwhile in my internet life I was extremely close friends with a guy named Mike...a moderator in a christian chat room) I got a job at Walmart and I began to change my attitude about life...until, my first night of work. When Lincoln picked me up that night he told me two bullets were on the counter and he wanted me to do something before he did. I panicked...he began to drive careless and I didn't think we'd make it home alive.

We arrived home and his best friend pulled in behind us...I knew it was bad...I ran for the door and tried to get rid of the bullets...but his friend got them first and Lincoln got the gun. The house was trashed my stuff was thrown EVERYWHERE! I knew for sure I was gonna die. I had no trust with authority so this played a big part in my next step. Lincoln and his friend left and said they'd be back...they left with the gun and bullets. While they were gone I called Mike and he talked me into calling the police as he couldn't afford to bring me to MN where he lived. I called the police just in the nic of time they arrived 2 minutes later the boys were back and I soon found out that police suck! The cops did nothing as they were buddies with Lincoln's pal. They did send me to a woman's shelter. I cannot explain how I felt that night.

I spent 5 hours at the police station to be shipped to the women's shelter at 2 am. When I arrived I was told to go to bed and they'd wake me in the morning. I went to my room but didn't get much sleep. I held my monk monk close and cried for hours. THe next morning the leader of the house told me how lucky I was to get out alive and how impressed she was that I got out noticing the warning signs. I stayed with a friend for 2 weeks and then moved to MN on March 30th 2007 with Mike. My 'friend' in TN kept my stuff for me as I couldn't care it all on the bus...later to find out that half my stuff and my most sentimentals were stolen. Things for me and Mike moved sort of fast...I spent my 20th birthday with him and married June 17th 2007. I've been the happiest I've ever been in my life. Mike is 47 and I never dreamed of being with an older man after experiencing my past. Mike is an amazing man of God and would do anything in the world for me. We are best friends till death do us part.

Over the years in between my family had little contact with me...to this day none of them really have contact with me. I talk to my aunt maybe 2 times a month. I call my great grandparents weekly now and keep them posted on everything. Amazing and by the grace of God...I speak to my mom on a daily basis and we have become like best friends. I have enough faith and hope that the rest will speak to me in God's timing. I work a full time job at the Byron Market Place, my addictions have been broken in the name of Jesus...although I still enjoy the internet there is no longer addiction but instead balance. I haven't had a drink in about 8 months and will try to keep it that way until age 21 at least lol, but now I am responsible to drink and not drink out of emotions. I have been a victor of abuse in the name of Jesus for 1 year and 4 days now. I look back on my life and can honestly see where God was with me every step of the way even though I couldn't see it then.