Live, Laugh, Love

I GOT DA POWER!!!

2009-05-02T19:30:00.004-05:00

Thought yall could use another blog posting to attack. LOL I love you guys! I didn't realize how much power I really had but look at how many people I have talking about me. Woohoo!!! It seems I've left a legacy after all!

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-04-28T06:58:00.003-05:00

This past week a lot of 'weird' things have been happening. Such as, my body reacting differently to foods I (used to) LOVE, taking naps, cramping and being 'unusually' happy for 'no apparant' reason. Cut the chit chat and to a few small stories of small talk with friends.

I was home one day and was so tired I don't even remember falling asleep. I woke up 2 hours later got online to go to FARM TOWN (yay me). I ran into a beloved friend Christine Thody also Sylvia Hillier. I was talking to both of them in two different places but all through facebook. I was telling my friend Christine sorry for missing her message but I was taking a nap which was so odd for me. Her reply "Pregnant women take naps"...ummm ok whatever!!!

At the same time on facebook I switch conversations and see what Sylvia is talking about to find that she is telling me she had a dream of me being pregnant the previous night. Oooook so my friends have pregnancy on the mind apparantly.

I just brush it off...well tried to...thinking could it really possibly be??? After a year could we have finally SCORED??? I told mike that if I got any tips at work the next week I'd take Melissa Doddridge's advice and go get a pregnancy test at Dollar General. That night I myself had a dream I was pregnant. I totally rubbed that off as coincedence seeing how that's all we talked about the day before.

Yesterday at work I went in trying to clear my mind of the pregnancy issue. I get my first customer..."Hello welcome to Subway what can I get for you today"? We go through the whole line and come to the end..."Would you like chips, drinks or cookies with that today"? Sure I'll take 2 sugar cookies is the man's reply. As I am reaching for the cookies he's going through his wallet and says "Wait a minute hold the cookies...I want to leave you a tip!"

NO WAY did this dude just say he's not going to buy cookies to leave me a tip????? I finish my customer out and call mike and tell him about what just happened and that we should get a test after work...Consider it done...litterally. Mike had already gone to the store and bought 2 pregnancy test. I got off work early in anticipation, rushed home and took the test.

My birthday is May 7th and I could not have asked for a better birthday present in my entire life. I will be posting pictures on facebook as time goes by and you can follow my journey of pregnancy. To my friends and 'family' that are here supporting me I am so blessed and happy to have yall in my life!

So Simple

2009-04-27T07:25:00.004-05:00

There is a song that I really enjoy called "You Won't Relent" by Jesus Culture. There's a part in the song where they say..."I don't wannna talk about you like you're not in the room wanna look right at you wanna sing right to you." How powerful is that???? Well I decided to start living my life this way. Weather I am walking to work or trying to hurry to get the store open or just chillaxing watching tv, I always have Him by myside. When I need or want something I just look beside me and say Jesus do you mind doing this for me?

It started out with like extremely little stuff like asking Him to help me sleep, make a headache go away, make my back stop hurting. All that I could arrogantly call coincidence. I was at work and I got really tired of cutting ONIONS!!! My last subway I didn't have to worry about it they came in bags...but here in Blanco oh no they make you actually work! I decided to put this to the test. I looked to my side and I said hey Jesus you think you could place your hand over my eyes for me be a shield for my eyes while I cut these onions. I waited about 10 seconds and then I went to work.

Now I didn't feel some cool presence over me or anything covering my eyes but I knew that if anyone could keep my eyes from running like the mississippi river God could and I was willing to let Him help me. Sure enough by time I had finished the onions I had 1 tear fall from my left eye. I have done this for the last couple weeks at work and others are starting to wonder...What's her secret? AWESOME witnessing tool. Grant it they all look at me like I've lost my mind...but deep down I think they are really questioning it. Honestly I believe there are some mumbling a certain request when they cut onions now. =)

Last night I did it again. I went hanging out with the Schnabel's Satuday at the rodeo and got a pretty bad sunburn (on half of my body). Last night I decided I might as well get my shower over with and endure the pain. I was for sure I'd wake up the entire Blanco county as soon as the water hit me, but I decided to take a different approach. I asked a similiar favor with God there by my side, to protect my sunburn where it's not unbarable. Believe it or not...I believe that was one of the best feeling showers I've ever taken. Yes I could feel a LITTLE sting when washing over the area and drying off but nothing as I imagined it to be.

Sometimes I believe we forget that God wants to provide for even our smallest needs that we may find silly to even ask for. God is not far off in some distant galaxy...He is right here with us. I love having this attitude and I pray that you adapt to it as well because it's so rewarding to have. "I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room, wanna look right at you wanna sing right to you".

Love, Hugs & Blessings.

P.S. Hi Rose, I love ya! I am praying for you. =)

God is Faithful.

2009-04-13T18:42:00.003-05:00

Last week was extremely hard for me. My hours were cut at work from 30 to 16 which btw is NOT even close enough to pay our bills. I freaked out and lost focus of who my provider is. I didn't know what I was going to do, I was contemplating a new job I was thinking of ways to get hours back, I was even close to sacraficing time with Mike to gain more hours by working nights. I talked to a really good friend of mine who lead me in a prayer and reassured me that God is my provider not subway.

I had a talk with my manager and she told me some things I was not happy with. The lady I just trained the week before was now taking my hours?!?! The only way I was going to get more hours was to work nights and weekends. After prayer with my friend I held onto that prayer and began asking God what He wanted from me. I honestly did not feel my time was up at Subway. I contacted the owner of our subway and told him of the situation he was clueless as to what was going on. He said he would work on the schedule himself and get it worked out.

Today I went into work and the first thing I hear from the owner is...If you're going to quit just quit if you don't want to work here fine go find another job. I was the one left clueless on this one, apparantly this is what my owner heard through the grapevine. I told him that he was hearing from a sour grapevine because I had no plans of quitting and I want to make things work at Subway. So then we go to the back and we have a discussion about the way the store is going and what needs to change. He then tells me that he is giving me the title of assistant manager...WITHOUT the pay!!!

Honestly I was upset by this. Grant it I am already doing the job of the title I just don't have the respect from a couple of crew members. I know that's what the owner was trying to do is just get me the respect from everybody and with the title of assistant manager they're more likely to listen to me. I walked off and went on to making sandwiches all along in a thankful prayer to God. Although I was a bit upset that he wants me to take on more responsibility without getting the pay I knew God answered a prayer...I was given more hours. I gave thanks to God for giving me more hours that I asked for, I was truly thankful for that (my hours were increased to 28 SCHEDULED hours which by the end of the week will be more like 30-31 WORKED hours).

I walked to the back to get some prep started when the owner stopped me. He said "Tracey I was just thinking and you're right you do need a raise." He informed me that our store is down in sales and the pay roll is too high. We have to get the store back to where it belongs in sales and as far as our crew. I am promised a raise when I get the sales up! So not only did God supply me with more hours, He has given me a promotional title at work AND He is supplying me with a raise in the near future. God is so faithful!

I felt bad for the way I reacted the other day finding out that I only had 16 hours. I asked God for forgiveness for that and I know I am forgiven. Thanks to my friends that took the time to talk with me and pray me through this past week. Today I believe I showed God that I was sincere in asking for forgiveness when I gave Him thanks rather than getting upset all over again...in return He was even more faithful to me. God is our provider He knows our needs and wants and He is faithful to provide in His time and His will.

Love, Hugs & Blessings

Approval Addiction

2009-04-08T17:42:00.003-05:00

So I have a confession to make. I do indeed have an addiction to approval. I even recreated a twitter account to see how much approval I can get. After a few days of having it now I see that I don't have much approval and those that I once called friend and some I still considered friends want nothing to do with me. I began to get upset because I know why this is but that is irrelevant. I immediately began thinking of a nasty blog that I could put together about how horrible some people are blah blah blah. How much better does that make me?

I went to God and asked His forgiveness for my thoughts and that said out loud out of emotions. Of course He forgives me then shows me something so spectacular. I am so eagar to find approval from all of these people and I am willing to do whatever it is to make things right and do this and do that say this and don't say that just to be accepted. All the time God is standing their with open arms calling out my name saying "I'll accept you I approve of you come to me".

Why do we care so much about what other people think? Why do we try so hard to be in with the 'cool' crowd?? I believe it's because we're human BUT when we have Christ in us when do we stop making excuses for our behavior and make the choice to take a stand and change? I want to be one of those people where people come to me and want to be my friend and begin asking questions of WHY? Why are you like this you're different what is it? That is an awesome testimony and that will lead to a beautiful friendship because you know it is God that brought you two together.

My name is Tracey and I am an Approvaholic, but my God has set me free and I am going to be a new woman in Christ. We don't have to work or earn His approval...He approved of us over 2,000 years ago when He not only died for us but He ROSE up from the grave. He rose up in victory and that victory is ours if only we would claim it and walk in it every day of our lives. People will wonder what has gotten a hold of us and they will ask "what's up"?

Love, Hugs & Blessings

Restoration

2009-04-05T13:53:00.002-05:00

Recently I have been struggling with stepping back from some people to allow God to do what He wants to do in us. I have prayed, I have cried, I have reminisced, I have laughed and I have fell back on my face in prayer. It has been anything and everything but easy to go through this but I have learned a lot and I am sure there's still a few things God is wanting to show me through it all.

We attended church at the Journey today and we were actually missed...yes that surprised me but it felt good. They even remembered our names LOL. Today I was greeted and embraced by a very special friend...one that I have had to take a few steps back from. It brought tears to my eyes but for the first time in 2 months...it was tears of relief, joy, healing and restoration.

The service was great it was all about prayer. I got a lot out of today's service as I usually do at the Journey, but today...today was special. I am tired, I am exausted but on the inside...I am smiling...from organ to organ.

Love, Hugs & Blessings.

Amazing Love

2009-03-30T21:39:00.002-05:00

Love, Love and more Love!!! As most know this is what I am all about. I love to love and because I love the way I love some find it hard to receive and love back. Did ya get all of that? I made a quote on my facebook this past week that goes something like this..."It's ok...you've never been loved like this before so you're not sure how to receive it...don't worry when you're ready to receive I'll still be here waiting".

There are many people that do not understand me...don't feel bad you're not meant to understand me. But, there are a few that completely, totally and ultimately 'get me'. I like to call us lovers. As a dear beloved friend and big sister in Christ always tells me...birds of a feather flock together...and that's what us lovers do. We still love all but also on the flip side...we need love in return as well so we tend to have to seek out other lovers and go for a fly.

I have loved many people and honestly I can say I don't stop loving people. The love may change...relationships may change but love is never ending no matter how hard it gets. I love someone very much...someone that has hurt me time and time again. My 'big sis' tells me we're like Charlie Brown and Lucy. Just as Charlie Brown trusts Lucy to hold the ball for him while he kicks...she always pulls the ball out from under him and he's back where he started laying flat on his back.

I love and I love hard. I have been so hurt, neglected and abused in my life...yet I have been loved and I will be love because I know I am not the only one that has been hurt in life. I always say you never know anyone's life story...your love to that stranger may be exactly what that person needs. Love can be 'complicated' some you can love close and some need to be loved from a distance...but none the less still LOVE. The 'phrase' iphone/ipod has really taken a run with things. Now days you see everything from using the 'phrase' but adding new words at the end everything from ipoop to imusic lol. Well here is mine...iLove. I love to love there is no better thing in life to do than to love.

My life has been spared because 1 man loved me so much that he gave me a 2nd chance at life. I love because He first loved me and He has shown me how to love with abundant grace. On December 2 2005 my life was spared and it's by the grace of God that I am alive now. I went home cried my eyes out and right then and there said God I am yours use me I will follow you and do what you want me to. God's greatest commandment is to love. I don't even know what to say any more besides LOVE. Pray and ask God how to love and he will show you. You can not love others if you do not have love and the only place to get true, pure unconditional love is from Christ.

Who do you need to love today? That co-worker at work that is a bit slow and no one has the time for? Is it the homeless man on the street that we all jet pass on our way to work? Is it the mother/father that left you abandoned and all alone? Some people ask me how do I love those that hurt me so badly. My reply...how can Christ love me when I hurt him so badly? Who am I to deny someone love??

This all seems like ramble to me of course...but my faithful followers wanted a blog and you got it.

Love, Hugs & Blessings.

Overdue Blog For You

2009-02-24T20:13:00.004-06:00

First of all please forgive me for my lack of blogging, things have been a bit hectic. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin or how to word this or when to end, AYE YA YA!!!

So we moved to texas, hugs hugs kiss kiss, days go by, days turn into weeks, Mike gets job at sears I get job at subway, tear tear, God heals, restoration begins, everything is hunkey dorey, we go to the devil's play ground, ouch, tear tear, anger/frustration, God's sweet salvation, find true friends, grrrr, God brings peace and comfort, yay we got a home, woah God blows our socks off, home sweet home, today was a great day...The End! :)

Ok ok so I can't get by with just that lol. I will not elaborate on certain things for my own reasons. I will say that my husband is a NEW man, praise God. God grabbed his heart in a hotel room and hasn't let go. We watched Fireproof and started doing the love dare, we're on day 16 and oh the things God has done! Mike is doing well in his job at Sears they really love him there and his work and he is making new friends. We found this really awesome restraunt here in town called Pedro's just so happens the owner of the restraunt has a daughter and she works with mike.

I am doing well. I feel I've been on one heck of a roller coaster ride the last month and a half but I can't say I regret any of it. Work is going well for me too. I am like a shift leader/assistant manager type of thing. I was just given a set of keys to the store and was given a raise this past week, praise God! Also, I am working more hours...my back was holding up but this past week...well God is still healing me I am standing in faith and claiming that. I have found out who my true friends are and what they are all about. I've seen true love, mercy and forgiveness demonstrated throughout the weeks.

Mike and I are still going to church at Journey every other Sunday and the other Sunday's we attend church at The Ark. We also attend The Ark on Wed nights and I go on Tuesday mornings for women's bible study. Every time the door is opened at The Ark, Mrs. Connie is in the kitchen and let me tell ya something...that woman can COOOOK!!! God has really blessed us the last couple of weeks. A guy walked into Sears a couple of weeks ago talking to the manager (Mrs. Linda) about a home that had just opened up that he was trying to rent...said he had it rented and they just backed out. Mrs. Linda knew of our situation and said that's great I know the perfect people for the place. We called the guy, we met, we signed papers! We were in a tight situation though. We wanted to move out as soon as possible we were eager to have a home of our own, but our taxes were skrewed up so bad we didn't have the money to do the deposits or anything.

I made a phone call to one of my truest friend who I've only met in person one time. I told her of our situation and without hesitation she offered to make us a loan of $450 for our deposit so we could get moved in! Donna Ketring we are forever thankful, mi casa es su casa! I got a raise at work which brought in enough money to cover deposits for water and electric. Feburary 20th 2009 we moved into our very own home! Mrs. Connie, God bless her heart; took me out on Saturday and bought a lot of supplies for our home that we did not have and couldn't afford after we paid out all the deposits and such. We've had furniture donated to us all from different people, all destined by God and all matching!

Today Mike went to the bank just for kicks and giggles to see if we would qualify for a loan...we did! So Mike and I took out a small loan with our new bank of about a month now and we got our internet and phone hooked up and other supplies we still needed for our home. The place doing our taxes called us and gave us a rebate for all the troubles we've had filing with them which paid for more groceries, PRAISE GOD!!! Mike took me out today and let me pick out things for the home. Also he bought two movies that I enjoy out of the clear blue sky. That's nice and all but his reply to me when I asked "Thank you but why are you doing all of this" shocked me more than anything. He replied saying "Thank God it's all from him, I haven't treated you the way I should and it's time I start investing in you and our relationship." I almost fell off my chair...thank God the truck door was shut ;).

Our home is coming together really nice, we could use a couch but I am happy and satisfy with all that we have now. We have been truly blessed and God has had His beautiful graceful hands on us the last month and a half. My marriage is at a place I never dreamed it'd be, God forgive me for doubting you. I am growing personally so is Mike...things are just going marvelous. It's not always rays of sunshine but now we have new ways of dealing with things.

Thank you to God first and foremost for making all of this possible. Also, Thank you to the Schnabel's, Donna Ketring, Mrs. Connie and Pastor Phil, Journey church, The Ark, Danna Anderson, Melissa Doddridge, Sylvia Hiller, Sherry Lily and everyone who has lifted us up in prayer through this all.

Oops almost forgot...we got an email from Mike's old boss today telling us that Valley View Estates has been sold...Mike would have lost his job if we would have stayed as originally planned and may have never made it down here. God is so faithful. Although we may not understand His direction...always follow! He will reveal all things in his time.

Love, Hugs & Blessings.

Home Team

2009-02-04T10:14:00.000-06:00

So last night was our first time attending a home team. I would explain what a home team is but for the 5 that read my blog I think you all know what it is. (lol) I admitted last night and I'll admit it here again, I was 'scared' to go. A part of me wanted to go and the other part of me would have rather crawled into a deep deep hole and bury myself.

I made cookies at work and decided to take them to the home team. I love my cookies but oh my gosh my cookies had nothing on the other food there. That tator tot hot dish from Birgit or the king ranch chicken from mom or that butter cake from Laura...I believe if I continue in these home teams I may stand a chance of gaining a pound or two. When we first got there I felt ok as it was just me, Mike, mom, dad, Krysten, pastor Danny and his wife Birgit. As more people came in my anxieties rose and I felt myself going into my hole. What would they think of me? Would they be like mom and dad and accept me for who I really am? What's going to happen? What do I do next? Can I just get by without saying anything so I don't sound stupid? Yeh it's that bad people. I may be able to make stupid random videos on facebook or wherever but in reality I am a really shy person. Face to face is A LOT different than in person.

So we 'broke bread' as Pastor Danny likes to call it and just had a little small talk. I just peeked out of my hole every couple of minutes to see what everyone was doing. After dinner we migrated to the living room and I knew I was about to face my big fear of having to open my mouth and actually speak. This wasn't like church where there's 75-100 people around you and you can get by without responding to a question. No, no, no we had about 12 people in our home team last night and I just knew I was going to have to speak. Every time Pastor Danny asked a question I just sat there in silence avoiding eye contact in hopes he wouldn't ask me directly. Although I had answers in my heart, I prayed that God would give the answers to someone else, we have a good God. (lol)

God began to deal with my heart and I knew He was not going to continue to just let me sit there on the couch with my sweaty palms and anxiety and have everyone else participate and not me. I can't even remember the question exactly but I know we all had to give an answer. I saw God grinning from ear to ear as I just looked toward heaven and gave him a "ha ha VERY funny God" kind of look. So I braced myself and raked my brain to think of something genius and astounding to say that would blow everyone's mind. Again I don't know what my response was but I know it was nothing "Einstinish" as I was planning on. To my surprise my response was accepted and I didn't feel stupid. So I waited in anticipation for the next question to see if it would work again. To my surprise it did I was like dude I am getting pretty good at this. (lol)

I began to lighten up and just allow my heart to speak. I was there for me and for God to teach and change me. I SHOULDN'T be there to try and impress anybody and I found out last night I don't have to. I was accepted for who I was and although I was the 'new gal' I felt love and acceptance and it felt good. We had a really great time last night and we look forward to next week as well. I highly suggest that you plug in at your church. Check with your pastor or whoever and see if they have small groups that you can get involved in. If they don't...maybe it's time they do...maybe you will start the first 'home team' at your church. The food is great and I love me some food especially when I am not the cook, but that's not even the best part of home team. Food can fill you up physically but that spiritual fill up will blow you away!

Love, Hugs & Blessings
Tracey

Be Uncomfortable.

2009-01-30T09:59:00.004-06:00

Honesty is about to break lose as I write this blog. Dear Lord please guide my words.

So it's been near close to a month since our move to Texas. I was excited moving down here, I knew I would draw closer to God and I wanted that for myself and for Mike as well. I've come to realize that although while in MN I was out of my 'comfort zone' and wanted to be back in NC many times with my friends and family, I was still very much comfortable in my day to day walk. I've said this before and I'll say it again and again Texas has not been all rays of sunshine.

Coming to Texas has taken me out of a comfort zone on a new level. Yes I am with 'family' but nevertheless we're still all strangers. I know God placed us all together for a reason and I do not regret us moving here. I realized this morning while doing my bible study that I wanted to gain a closer more intimate relationship with Christ without doing any 'dirty work'. How selfish is that right...typical human! Pastor Danny has actually talked about being a disciple at church the last couple of Sunday's. There is a price to pay...it's going to cost us. I dunno it's like sometimes my brain doesn't think things all the way through. Example: God I want change I want to grow more intimate with you. Then the changes begin to happen and it seems that you are having more issues than you were before you asked never realizing that this is exactly what you asked for.

I've always told people that God will not just give you patience or love or understanding or wisdom whatever it is you ask for. He'll give you opportunities/situations to where you have to apply that and it's through those experience that you get what you ask for...the price you have to pay, it's gonna cost you. I have been through some pretty hard stuff in my short lived life, but I admit this has to be the hardest thing thus far that I have ever had to go through. I am eternally thankful to God for this opportunity and for the things that He has done this far. I am also thankful for my family that is in this with me. It's been hard on all of us, there's been some tears, but we're sticking it out and we're all learning and growing through this.

Although most days I feel a bit uncomfortable in this new enviroment and being pushed (by God) to do things I would not normally do, I am humble and the joy of the Lord is my strength. This is not necessarily me going through a desert just me climbing a mountain...that feels like Mt. Everst at times but nonetheless. (lol) I am so blessed and thankful to have this opportunity. Each day is a new learning experience a new price to pay. No one ever said that this journey is going to be easy but there is one that has promised if we totally trust and rely on Him, it will be worth it. What challenges are you facing today? Sometimes it's hard to look at the 'positives'. I want to encourage you today to change your perspective and attitude. Instead of looking at your mountain and saying oh God why me why now what did I do to deserve this, ask God what you are to learn from it. Be brave, Be courageous, Be uncomfortable.

Love, Hugs & Blessings.

Our God Reigns

2009-01-27T18:06:00.002-06:00

This past week was just another week of lessons and learning. To begin with at work I am already training new employees and being considered for a raise. Also the owner of the store would like for me to start actually opening the store...EEKS! I have a feeling if God continues to strengthen my back and such I can be a manager!

I have been praying for confidence and boldness. I have been opening up more with my parents and it's made a world of difference. It's really amazing (in a bad way) how much power we give the devil with our minds. So I encourage any and everyone that reads this blog if you feel something is wrong or whatever go and talk to the other person involved. More than likely there's nothing wrong and they don't think or feel the way you feel they do. Grant it there may be something going on but it could just be a minor misunderstanding that can easily be talked out. So don't give the enemy any foothold!

After a discussion with my parents last night I was filled with an incredible amount of boldness and confidence after our prayer and all. I called my biological mother last night and actually had a decent talk with her. I even had the courage to pray with her on the phone and say I love you mom before hanging up. I have not called her mom in about 3 years...I just usually avoid having to call her anything. So a lot of healing and restoration going on.

Today Mike got a job at Sears and he starts Thursday thank God for that. I really don't know what else to say I am sitting here trying to think of all the good God has done and I know unfortunately I am forgetting something. God is so amazing and His love is unfailing. I am so blessed to be able to go through this expereince and I pray everyone else involved is too. I am going to bed now I need some Zzzz's!

Love, Hugs & Blessings

Hard Truths

2009-01-23T08:03:00.002-06:00

Last night God revealed to me some hard truths. As I've said before this journey in Texas has not all been easy. I am the kind of person that will do whatever it takes to make someone happy and when I don't suceed I feel like a failure. Last night I had a few words with a really wise woman (take one guess). I told her how I think she's amazing and how this past week I've realized how much I don't appreciate her the way I should. Of course she turns my focus back to God replying that it's all HIM and nothing to do with her. She's right I know she is.

Anyway, last night I made a minor yet stupid change on my facebook. I wanted to change a part of who I was I wanted to compromise who I was and how I really felt to make others happy. It wasn't until after the conversation with the wise woman and the loud booming voice from God that I realized I made a mistake. I KNOW I can't make everyone happy it's just not possible, but BELIEVING it is a different story. Right now that is what I am dealing with is trying to believe that I can't make everyone happy nor is it my 'job' to make everyone happy.

I should be more concerned with am I making GOD happy, and if I am making HIM happy that's all that matters the rest will fall into place. So for anyone and everyone reading this when you're in your prayer time, I'd greatly appreciate a prayer as this is a tough one for me. I love to see people happy but I am coming to realize that there's only one person that can bring true joy and happiness and His name is Jesus. I need to stop trying to play Holy Ghost Jr. and let God do what He's best at.

Just Gotta Say

2009-01-21T21:23:00.002-06:00

The past couple of days my mom has not felt the best in the world. As a matter of fact it's had her confined to her bed all wrapped up with the rest of the family taking care of her. This is the first time I've ever seen my mom sick in person, and to be honest I didn't expect to react this way so to speak. Of course she is a special lady and I love her to death and I thank God for her everyday. In the last couple of days though I've come to realize how important my mom is to this family.

We work as a team here in this family. We all do a little to help out around the house. With God...(then daddy...lol) as our team captain we work through our days and for the most part have some pretty awesome days together. The past couple of morning though I must say my mornings have been a bit off...something missing. Even work questioned me today as to what was wrong with me and they have only seen me at work 4 days. I told them my mom was sick and they were like wow she must be pretty special you really love her huh? Ummm like DUGH!!!

I haven't really known how to 'cope' so to speak with my mom being sick. So much of me wants to fight it for her but I know that's not my place. I have prayed multiple times and fought the urge to go in and check on her so she can get some sleep. I made my mom a little book today with drawings I drew and some writing on there. I hope it cheered her up a little bit at least. I admit I miss my momma some kind of bad. Although she is still in the home, I miss her smile that usually greets me in the mornings. I miss her singing praises of joy to our Savior, our King, our Emanuel, our God. I know God is healing her and tomorrow she is going to be better.

Thank you to those that have prayed for her it's been greatly appreciated. I guess the saying is true...You never know how much you really have until it's gone. Although my mom is still here, she is not really around and she is greatly missed. I have a great respect and honor for my mom. She brings to this family that no one else can. We all have a little special gift that we bring to each other through out our days and when one is missing, it is definitely missed. I love my momma!

Still Learning

2009-01-19T18:41:00.002-06:00

It's going on 20 days since I've been in Texas with my family. Still so much learning going on that I was not expecting to get. I knew things would change and I knew I would grow, but I admit I didn't expect this. My mom and dad are amazing. They correct me in love, and get this, I don't get angry. That is a new me...THANK GOD! I actually listen to them and try to apply it to my life and make a change and it affects EVERYONE not just me.

We are not perfect things are not always happy go lucky, but we always pull together and through prayer we are getting through things. Mike is making a lot of changes in his life as well and I know God has caught him a little off guard as well. Let me tell ya something when God moves He MOVES! It's not just in one area of my life right now or just one relationship...it's many and I am so blessed by it. I am excited to see what God is doing.

I feel more alive and have a new joy about myself and others are begining to notice it as well. My mom loves to talk about joy and the joy of the Lord is our strength. I really never understood what that meant but this past week God has revealed to me what it means, or at least what it means to me and my life. I have been in the word more this past week than I have been I believe my entire life and my parents didn't even force me too. (lol)

I have started a new bible study just today about being the King's daughter. This is something I have heard quite a few times in my life but I read it today and I actually BELIEVED it. My attitudes have changed today and it's just amazing to see how God is working not just in me but everyone around. I am so blessed and I really look forward to seeing what else God has in store for me. Tomorrow I am going to a bible study at The Ark with my mom and possibly my sisters. I am a bit nervous...but then again excited.

Anywho it's time for a shower it's been a long day and tomorrow is full of many more of God's great blessings and lessons new. Love, Hugs & Blessings.

A Virtuous Woman

2009-01-17T11:02:00.003-06:00

Being a mother and being a mommy are two different things to me. I believe that any female that can conceive can be a mother. It takes a little more effort and hard work to be a mommy though. I have a mother and I have a mom 2 separate women. I was born into a family and had a mother and father that did the best they could with what they knew. When I was young I was told by my mother to go and find other parents, so that began my quest to find a mommy and daddy. I am 21 years old and I have finally been blessed with a mom and dad. Although they are both amazing people, I will only speak of my mom for now.

My mom is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire life. One of her most loved physical feature about her is her hair. She began at an early age to develop gray hair. Most people joke and say that it’s wisdom not knowing that that’s exactly what I believe it is. When she speaks her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. (Proverbs 31:26) One thing I have noticed about my mom is that when she instructs us to do something, of course like any parent she expects us to do it, but she does leave the door open for us to make our own decisions reminding us there are consequences to our actions. I do not fear my mom she doesn’t make me fear her, she simply reminds me that it’s all about God and that I should be more concerned of His response if I do not obey. She is a woman full of wisdom that constantly sends a reminder of who gives her the wisdom.

Most people say that you can see a person’s soul through their eyes. Whether this be true or not, when I look into those beautiful brown eyes I see love. I see peace, gentleness and grace. I see all that the bible says our heavenly Father is. When I look into her eyes I can’t help but smile as I feel I am looking into God’s heart. A place where I escape and feel as though I am a little child sitting in my Father’s arms. When you can look into one’s eyes and feel you are looking at God’s pure heart, it’s a priceless incomparable feeling. Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. (Proverbs 31:10)

In our household we are full of laughs and joy that can only come from one place. My mom always tells me that her mom used to always tell her, “You wake up every morning with the choice of how you feel so why not be happy.” Grant it, that is not exactly how it goes, but it’s pretty close. My mom is one of those people that love to make other people happy. Whether she does it by giving an encouraging word or by tickling or just a gentle embrace, she’ll do what it takes to bring a smile. Her smile to me is breath taking. Her smile lights up the world and brings a new hope. I have come to believe that her internal light shines from the inside out. So my mom always has this extra glow about her, but when she smiles the light finds the opening through her laughter and smiles and escapes to illuminate the darkest places. When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

I recently read a book called The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. My mom gave me this book to encourage me in my marriage, yet I got so much more from it. Along with learning how to better my marriage so to speak, I also learned things that a wife and a mother has to do and how they may feel at times. It blew me away as I never really thought of everything they have to do and how much they take on. My mom has been with my dad 23 years on April 11th 2009. She is always showing love to my dad, whether it is outwardly showing affection through a hug or goodbye kiss, to making sure he has hot meals, or just encouraging him in his everyday duties and walk with God. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12) My mom is not only a mom to me but to 3 of us. Although we are ‘practically grown’ she still continues to care for us and guide us when we need help. When I first moved back home, my husband and I only had a mattress to sleep on. She was not pleased with this and wanted to make us comfortable, and with hardwood floors, well things tend to get cold even in Texas. My mom wanted to bless us and so one day her and my dad went out and came back with a new mattress and box spring for us so that we would no longer have to sleep ‘on the floor’. I still do not understand how ‘hard’ it was for her but I know that she had to rise above and do something that was difficult for her, and I am forever thankful. She is always showing us love in so many ways and I am so blessed to have that in my life.

One of my mom’s greatest passions, other than serving God, is sewing. This woman blows my mind away with the stuff that she makes. Whether she’s crocheting or sewing or just doing a ‘simple craft’, she does it in love. I was watching her the other day make a tote bag in her sewing room. I just stood there and watched in awe, I had seen people sew and such before but not like this. I began to tell my mom that I think she is awesome in what she does, she just chuckled and asked why other people do the same thing you know. I was left speechless I knew what I wanted to say but just for some reason was left silenced. I looked at the wall behind my mom where she was sewing and was reminded that her business is called Sew N Love. That’s what makes my mom so different from the other people that do the same thing. With each new stitch you see love being sewn and the passion being poured into her work. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. (Proverbs 31:19)

One of my favorite things to hear my mom do is sing. Oh my word, talk about soothing the soul and bringing a peace. I may be a little biased but to hear her sing is like listening to an angel sent straight from heaven. Watching her sing I see the passion she has for God. The love just overflows and nothing can keep her from singing. It brings tears to my eyes as a joy floods my soul and before I know it I begin singing a new chorus from within. My mom speaks of God a lot. How His mercy and grace are renewed each day. His abundance of love and forgiveness that surpasses all understanding. She is not a woman to just speak of what she has read in some book, she is a woman that speaks and lives what she believes. Times get tough she doesn’t live in a fairy tale, but she always runs to the one that can make it all right again. He restores her strength and gives her peace that leaves her with more to add to her testimony. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25)

I have a few heroes in my life for different reasons. There is one that is my hero and I truly pray that I become at least half of the woman she has become. My mom, a true virtuous woman and my hero. There is so much to say about my mom, all of it will ultimately will lead back to God, for it is Him who has made her who she is. There’s not enough trees or enough time in this life to sit here and tell you all the wonderful things God has instilled in my mom, but I can assure you that everyone that crosses her path is blessed and left wanting more of what she has. Her beauty begins from the inside and works vibrantly to the outside. A woman full of love and compassion with a child like heart. My mom is written of in the bible although her name is never mentioned. You can find her story in Proverbs 31, for my mom is a virtuous woman after God’s own heart. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: There are many virtuous and capable women in the world but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. (Proverbs 31:28-31)

Who I Am

2009-01-13T12:20:00.003-06:00

Being a Schnabel leaves me feeling loved, creative, appreciated, worth-while, blessed, leads me to laugh daily most times hourly. I find myself more living life rather than sitting around and just sulking on what is life and why did this happen and why am I here and why why why.

Being a child of God, surpasses all measures of love I've ever felt, reminds me that I am highly favored, equips me with 'tools' I need in this life, feels a void in my life no one else can fill. I find myself learning little lessons everyday in things I do. God opens my eyes to see things I otherwise would be blinded to.

I am going through so many changes right now it's unreal. I actually look forward to waking up in the morning and seeing what all the day holds in store. I look forward to grabbing my bible, running to the living room to sit by the fire and read what God has promised for me. I love being able to bless others now in ways I before could not.

I am becoming a new person. I am more alive. I am filled with hope, encouragement, strength, faithfullness and desires coming from all angles in my life. Today is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. I am truly blessed more than words can say and I just pray that God continues to do a work in all of our lives. When we are open to change and focus more on how God can change us rather than other people in our lives, it is then that we begin seeing the most results.

I am a Schnabel, I am a Pike but above all else, I am a child of the most high God!

Love, Hugs & Blessings!

Hidden Blessings

2009-01-12T19:00:00.002-06:00

So yall know that we've moved to the great state of TX. I would be lying if I said everything has been fantastic just marvelous couldn't be better. It's been a lot of hard work, physically, mentally and emotionally. I will not go into the details of everything because quite honestly I don't want everyone to know our business but this is what I will share.

It has been an unforgettable time and I do NOT regret the move down. No matter how real it feels (being a Schnabel) facts and reality is I am not a 'born Schnabel', and that has probably been one of the hardest things. Learning each other and how each other work. What hurts who and when is enough enough. When to come around and when to back off when to make random comments and when to just keep your mouth shut. I admit I've said some pretty hurtful things lately to those that I love so dearly. I am really having to learn to slow down and think before I speak. Think of how it will affect those around me, whether I think it's funny or not someone else may not see it that way.

Another thing that is so new is just having a family. We sit down (almost) every night together at the tabel for dinner, we pray and we enjoy the meal together while talking about our days and 'old times'. That is like so bizzare to me but I love it! Going to church every sunday and seeing my dad on stage is so awesome and it inspires and encourages me to do what I know God would have me to do. This past Sunday was my mom's birthday and dad didn't have to play in the worship team so they were both sitting with us. During praise and worship I looked over at my mom and dad and saw them dancing and praising God. Most kids would probably hide under their seat, but me, well I just stood there and smiled and thanked God. My parents always encourage us to be positive and that the joy of the Lord is our strength, rejoice in the day the Lord has made. I've never seen someone honestly walk out what they talk and it encourages me beyond words. Grant it I try and do what my parents tell me to, but when I see them actually doing as they 'preach' that goes a long way.

I am so tired and exausted right now, I don't even know what else to say or do, I want to cry I am so tired but I'll try to elaborate more. So Sunday was my mom's birthday and my first year spending it with her. My original plan which was to pay at least half of the cost for her to build a new sewing room, failed. So I had to come up with a new plan and FAST. I did a few little small things for her such as taking her her favorite coffee and flowers to church. I also wrote her a poem and put a picture of us on it and then framed it. But my big surprise was on Saturday. I ran off to the store and bought a bunch of fun size milky ways and a little pink monkey. I took my mom on a treasure hunt through the house using the milky ways as a path for her. I left a note at every few steps on how much she blesses me (at least I hope that's what she got from it lol) Anyway it lead to outside where I then sang "God bless the broken road" with no music (EEKS)! My mom was in tears as I dropped down to one knee and asked her to be my mommy forever and ever, she accepted. My dad got it on video but no one here will ever see it :-p I really hope my mom's birthday was special and one she'll never forget. I can't wait till next year but I am not sure how I'll beat this past year lol.

My mom and dad sing at the loft on saturdays, and well this saturday I am suppose to sing with them. I am excited yet nervous all at the same time. I love hearing my mom and dad sing, they're my new favorite band. Well yall I am exausted and tomorrow holds a new day of work and home team tomorrow night. Love, hugs and blessings!

Finally Home

2009-01-06T09:55:00.002-06:00

Have you ever had like a really really wild dream that you held onto for years? Never really thinking that it could actually possibly one day come true, and ever time you do think of it coming true you just laugh because it's just so far out there? So have I...but my 10 year old dream has finally became a reality.

On Jan 1st 2009 about 5:36 pm I hugged my parents for the first time. Parents that love and nurture me the way I've always dreamed about. I stepped foot on Texas ground and instantly knew that this is where I belong. So much has happened in the last week I just do not have enough time to tell you all of the details. Although I can tell you that God fullfilled my dreams and then some. I always knew that my homecoming would be good but I never imagined it to be THIS good if you know what I mean.

My parents are absolutely amazing! That doesn't even begin to cover it. I've never felt so much love and compassion from anyone as I do with mom and dad. I believe it was the 2nd day we were here I had some old pictures out and such and me and my mom just sat on the couch snuggled together and talked about the past a little. I've never in my life had that. Never had a mother daughter time like that and it meant the WORLD to me. Just 2 nights ago me and my dad had 'father daughter' time in the kitchen...just standing around talking. We talked about my past...the not so good stuff. Dad got pretty upset but just held me close and told me everything was going to be alright. Once again...I've never had that. Talk about an emotional week. When I look at my parents I see love, God's love, a love that leaves you speechless. Sometimes I just sit here and look at the both of them and the love they have for not just all of us but one another and they make sure that us kids know that. I can't describe the security I feel in that. My mom and dad are soon to celebrate their 23rd wedding anniversary and I pray that mike and I make it that long and still have a love as strong as my mom and dad do.

My sisters...well what more can I say. I finally found someone smaller than me hehe (I love you Krysten). Jennifer and I cut up a lot but it's all in love and nothing less. We are even begining to finish each other's sentences. Jennifer has started online college and I am proud to say that Grand Canyon University has not only the best student but the best person attending their school...my sister, I am so proud of you Jennifer! Krysten is amazing, I can't tell you how many times this girl hugs me a day...we're all pretty much a hugging family lol. I've been helping Krysten a lot lately in the kitchen so she doesn't have so much to do. She may be quiet but she tends to get a lot of stuff done around the house. She's leaving for a few days to go stay with Granny...I think I miss her already.

Mike and I are doing well. It's been a little rough, it's a lot to adjust to. Mike is still looking for a job as am I, but we know and trust that God is going to provide. Mom and Dad pray with us and encourage us to stay strong in one another and in God, especially in this time of transition. Although a lot of stress has been removed...we still have quite a bit ahead of us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

I think that's about all I have to say for now. I expect my mom and sisters will be back soon, I have a few more things I want to do before they come home. Thank you for your prayers and support. Love, hugs and blessings to you all.

I NEED YOUR VOTES!!!

2008-12-30T20:29:00.001-06:00

Hey guys check it out! So most of you know I am doing Billy Wilkins contest of making a commercial video for his new Wesley Sleep Program.

Step 1: If you have not seen it please go to youtube and check it out and rate it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1svd-HodRc

Step 2: Email Billy Wilkins at billy@wesleysleepprogram.com and tell him you want to vote for Tracey Pike's video or video 103!!!

Step 3: Spread the word and tell all your friends to vote TRACEY PIKE VIDEO 103 for the Wesley Sleep Program Contest!

Thanks Guys I really appreciate it!
Tracey Pike

Oh the Days at Subway

2008-12-23T15:03:00.006-06:00

Oh the days of Subway
The stories left untold.
Still so much to say
I leave head held high and bold.

I pray I left a legacy here
But it's time I spread my wings and fly.
Let no sadness fill your tears,
Remember the good times and this is not goodbye.

For every time you hear oh Christmas tree,
You'll surely think of me.
And when you read roses are red and violets are blue,
Embrace and cherish the friendship that remains true.

I'll miss you two
We'll stay in touch this I promise you.
Still friends 20 years from now I pray I see.
No matter how far away I know this can be.

Farewell Lecia and Big A,
This is all I have to say.
Thanks for all the good times,
Our memories will bring me good rhymes.

12-22-08
10:50 pm

Mac Powell Treasure Hunt Final Round

2008-12-22T15:36:00.001-06:00

My Blanky, My Mommy

2008-12-21T14:43:00.003-06:00

You hold me when the nights are so cold.
Oh the warmth your presence beholds.
Warms my soul down deep.
This too I pray you reap.

When overcome with fear,
Your gentle touch dry all my tears.
Embraced close to me,
Where only peace and comfort shall be.

You are my hiding place,
Only one that knows my true face.
Where no masks are worn,
And new life is born.

My hero of great fame,
Living true to her name.
My protector so lovely,
My blanky, My Mommy.

12-21-08
1:41 pm

Dear Mom and Dad

2008-12-20T08:43:00.001-06:00

Sorry last night I made you cry,
Yet you still made my eyes dry.
A love like this I've never seen before,
I pray dear Lord bless me with more.

You took me by the hand
Helped me again to stand.
You raise me up to higher ground
Amazing Grace tis truly a sweet sound.

With dad all concerned for me
His fault how could it be???
He gives me encoragement and love
It's true he's my dad sent from above.

Tis time to move on step by step day by day,
I can't see it now but God will make a way.
In time it will all turn out just fine,
Victory I will claim, it shall be mine.

~Lovebug
12-20-08
8:40 am

New Video!

2008-12-19T17:41:00.001-06:00

please go watch, rate and comment on my video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1svd-HodRc

Faithfullness

2008-12-16T20:29:00.003-06:00

I was in NC I had spent all my money on alcohol and speed, my life was spinning outta control and i was outta money no food to eat was losing my home and everything. I went to church with $5 bucks in my pocket trying to hide my emotions, it was time for offering and I was planning on letting the plate pass me by. God had other plans and I broke down crying He wanted me to put in my last $5 and I litterally cried out why??? People around me were people that knew a partial bit of what was going on and new what was going on. I threw it in and just cried...after offering was prayer I ran up fell on my knees and fell on my face begging God to give me a 2nd chance and to save me from the disaster i had created for myself. Someone came up behind me placed an envelope in my hand and just 'vanished' I didn't see them and no one else in the church did either and i wanted to know who it was I took the envelope back to my seat opened it and read it. It said "Be faithful to the Lord and he will be faithful unto you." I was so angry and frustrated i threw it on the floor and stomped on it. Something told me to pick it up and open it so i did and inside was $40 which lasted me 2 weeks to get gas in my car and some food. I tore off the writing part and kept it and the other day i found it again. God has always provided for me even when i have spat in his face cursed him and every thing else He still loved me and took care of me.

With the way our economy is right now and people being laid off from their jobs. I am living testimony that God always provides for our needs. He understands our struggles and He wants to help us all we have to do is ask. I pass on to you a message given to me from above, Be faithful to the Lord and He will be faithful.

God is working a miracle in me.

2008-12-15T17:26:00.002-06:00

About a week or two ago now, I was on the phone with my dad. He is the...ummm...'preaching kind' I suppose you could say. He's always full of wisdom and love and ready to share it at any given time the Holy Spirit leads him. This particular night my dad decided to pray with me on the phone about my back situation. Since that night I've only had 1 bad day and that was because I had to work extra hours, Mike cracked my back and every since I've been feeling amazing.

Seeing the effect my dad's prayer had on me, I decided hey, if he can do it I can do it too. I gained faith through watching my dad, and my mom. I wanted to learn from this and take a step of faith. Back in 2004 I worked at a grocery store in NC and they made us clean with pure acetone with no gloves, although we requested them we were refused. This left chemical burns on our hands that left really nasty looking scars. I went to school and was treated like I had leprosy. I was in a home economics class and could not participate in the cooking activities, I felt like an outcast and it was HORRIBLE! When the weather gets cold, it brings my scars back and an unbearable burning that brings me to tears.

A couple nights ago I decided to take that step of faith and pray for God to bring me healing to my hands. I am here today to report that since I've prayed that prayer the scars have been vanishing with each passing day and I have no longer had any burning in my hands. Keep in mind I still live in MN and today was the true test it was a whole -5 degrees today and still, No scars, no pain. Praise you Jesus for your healing touch in my life.

From emotional healing to physical healing God is really doing a work in me and I am forever thankful. Never give up faith God is always in control and always on His throne, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Frosty the Snowman--Remix

2008-12-10T22:22:00.000-06:00

Michael my husband
Tried my food one day
He said yum yum
And patted his tum
And I replied NO WAY!

Michael my husband
Is a good man they say
He's a man of God
Met him as a mod
Happily married still today.

Oh God he had a purpose
For bringing us together
For when he did
I knew we'd last forever.

Michael my husband
Oh how I love him so
16 months it's been
Lots left unseen
Still many years to go.

BIG NEWS!!!!!

2008-12-10T17:27:00.001-06:00

The smallest thing

2008-12-09T11:52:00.002-06:00

Last night I called my parents as usual. Usually these phone conversations consist of just me and mom doing small talk or deep discussions. Or some of my favorites...when everyone is involved and you spend half the conversation trying to figure out what just happened lol. Last night was different. It was just me and my dad.

I have never had that in my life. Just one on one time with a dad, I didn't realize how much I had been missing. Most of our conversation was me asking for advice, but it's a moment I'll cherish for a life time. To hear my dad encourage me and actually want to involve me in his life, I was blown away. Last night was another great moment in my life to always be remembered.

Sorry I don't have a picture to post, but when I get to TX and get that photo you bet you'll see it around. :)

Angels We Have Heard On High--Remix

2008-12-09T09:30:00.001-06:00

Candace we have all seen
How awesome you tend to be
Candi Bear you've always been
In pink boots so lovely.

Derek beats his drum all day
With an ear of corn on cob.
Gathering the crowd his way
Bubba he's our heart throb.

My Cousins, Candace and Derek
My Cousins, Candace and Derek

How I care for you so
Across the miles but yet so close.
This one thing you must know
You come from the most gorgeous Rose.

My Cousins, Candace and Derek
My Cousins, Candace and Derek.

Jolly Old St. Nicholas--Remix

2008-12-08T16:31:00.001-06:00

Lovely little Jennifer, lean your ear this way.
Hope you get a good laugh, at what I am gonna say.
New Year Day is coming soon, Now my little sis
Changes lie awaiting you, want it be so bliss.

When the clock is striking 12, Resolutions we will set
Accomplishing one and all, this to you I'll bet.
Don't forget our little sis, Krysten
Greatest of them all, I'd give her a ten.

Doggies want a big milk bone, Jenny wants a job.
Krysten's happy where she's at, Give her a book by Bob.
As for me I'll take a home down in Texas.
Till New Year, I'll just say Merry Christmas.

For my new friend, Melissa.

2008-12-07T22:53:00.001-06:00

I read your blog of your favorite words, and thought I'd try to pull them all together in a poem for you. Not my greatest work but I did try and so this blog is to you Melissa Doddridge.

Our SAVIOR RESCUE us with His GENUINE love,
Bringing us AUTHENTIC HOPE from above.
EMANUEL our GREAT PHYSICIAN.
Our COMFORTER always without hesitation.

REDEEMER to the OVERCOMER,
He is our FANTASTIC DELIVER.
To GIGGLE with CHEER,
The BRIGHT light consumes all fear.

To LAUGH is pure medicine for the heart,
Honored I was CHOSEN to do the part.
You're WELCOME a thousand times,
Your smile as pay is prime.

Blessed with a new friend in you,
With me around you'll never be blue.
Me being HOME will be cooler than Dizmas,
But till that day I wish you a MERRY Christmas.

Subway by: Tim Hawkins

2008-12-07T22:01:00.000-06:00

Let It Snow--Remix!

2008-12-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

Oh Texas is where I am going
Where there won't be any snowing.
And since you love me so,
Let me go, Let me go, Let me go!

2 more months till moving,
I've got a box for packing,
The wait is going so slow
Let me go Let me go Let me go.

When we finally meet that day,
Oh how I'll love being outta the snow.
I can't wait to hear you say,
Here is the home you bestow.

The dog is slowly dying,
Or maybe it's my lullabying.
Here I plee wiht you yo!
Let me go! Let me go!! Let me go!!!

Taking a different approach.

2008-12-07T15:23:00.000-06:00

Today at work I found out that it was just going to be me and Brian working. I'll be honest I do NOT like this guy at all. He's just so slow, he doesn't get half the work done, he gets in my way, he annoys the crap outta me and yet all he needs is a little encouragement. Rather than getting upset because I was working with him, unknowingly I accepted HIM for who HE was. So he works a little slower than others, he doesn't have the greatest 'drive' so to speak. But he is human too.

Although we were slow today I really worked with him rather than against him with the attitude GET OUT OF MY WAY! I noticed how he lightened up he didn't seem quite on edge. Grant it he still needs a shove every now and then but with a different attitude from me. Through out the day I continued to tell him good job Brian keep it up dude. I could see him smile from the corner of my eyes. We worked together and got the job done. Finally he was happy to be at work. Approaching him with a positive attitude and feedback really changed his attitude as well. Rather than me have the attitude of GET OUT OF MY WAY, and he just not care about his job and find the fastest exit out.

I realized half way through my day that my parents do the same with me. Rather than telling me what to do or what not to do. They suggest and offer their opinion, still leaving me in charge to make up my own mind. When things turn out good I know I make them proud, when they turn out not so good...well I learn from my mistake. They don't tear me down and make me feel bad they simply point out what I could have done differently. Whether it be our parents or co-workers or just the driver in front of us that may be moving a little too slow. Take the time to slow down and think of what that person may be going through in their personal life. Positive Attitudes have Positive Outcomes and Negative Attitudes have Negative Outcomes. The choice is yours, what will you choose to do today?

God knew

2008-12-07T08:28:00.000-06:00

Oh how I longed for this bond
So easily we became fond.
God knew what he was doing
Haha who was I fooling?

The voice that is always so soothing.
The two that inspire to get me moving.
The way he expresses his love to me.
Oh yeah, God destined it to be.

Coincidence some will forever say,
But God's evidence be revealed day by day.
To Him be all the honor and glory,
For He is the author of my great story.

12-6-08
11:35 pm

We're Gonna Shine

2008-12-07T08:25:00.000-06:00

In my world the sun doesn't always shine.
But it's ok because till the end of time,
You shall always and forever be mine.
With God our marriage shall reamin prime.

Things aren't always going to be easy.
My faith assures me we will be just fine.
Though the skies go gray and things get breezy,
God will open the doors and show us a sign.

So hang in there a little while longer,
kick back, relax and lets dine
As our love grows stronger,
God in us will make our world shine.

12-6-08
11:10 pm

Untitled

2008-12-07T08:21:00.000-06:00

Here I am all things gone a strange.
You'll find me down on my Knees,
In faithful prayer for much needed change.
Dear God please hear my honest, sincere plee.

Again I find heartache and pain,
Where oh Lord did I go wrong?
Stranded in guilt from that done in vain.
Now in search of my long lost lifesong.

You dear God are my laminin,
You rescue me from life's greatest famine.
All praise be unto you,
I pray you see me through.

I can't do this alone now I see.
Who was I pretending to be?
I need you to take me by the hand,
Now is the time to take a stand.

I know I've said this many times before.
Sincere this time I say there'll be no more.
Give me this final last chance,
In the end before you, I shall do a victory praise dance.

This is not just words nicely layored,
Rather indeed my faithful prayer.

6-12-08
11:13 pm

Happy Anniversary

2008-12-07T08:18:00.000-06:00

Across the miles of Minnesota and Tennessee,
Our love was so clear to see.
Oh God, I pray how can this be
Mike, my love for you sets me free.

Through the joy and tears
We made it through our first year!
Against adversity we took a stand
Step by step and hand in hand.

How I love our walks in the park
And the nights we stayed up way past dark.
Memories I will never forget,
Choices I will never regret.

I love you what more can I say
It grows stronger day by day.
I love you Michael Thomas Pike,
I will always and forever be your Mrs. Pike.

June 17, 2008

Oh Christmas Tree--Remix!

2008-12-02T21:35:00.000-06:00

Alisha, Alisha out of all she's most lovely.
Each day you bring to me delight,
Making all your subs just right.
Alisha, Alisha out of all she's most lovely.

How beautiful your owl eyes
How big art thou britches,
Alisha, Alisha out of all she's most lovely.

Pregnant you be for 7 months
not long to go just 2 more months
Alisha Alisha out of all she's most lovely.

When you leave I'll miss you so,
Slacking I'll say no, no.
I'll call you every day
Just to bug you this I'll say
Alisha, Alisha out of all she's most lovely!

2008-12-01T14:31:00.001-06:00

Guess what this blog is about...that's right family! Sorry but family is really important to me and I know I talk a lot about it. So if I make you sick by talking about my family and such so much please feel free to click that little red box with the white x in it at the top right hand of your screen. =)

So last night I talked to my sister Jennifer for a while. Something we really don't do that often without it being through mom or something lol. I really enjoyed our talk...for the most part. We talked about a few things in my life...mostly about leadership. I couldn't believe my sister said a couple things she did, but I know she is right. It's not the first time I've heard it so it's just confirmation to me. 10 years now maybe I should stop running huh? I also talked to her about some stuff in her life. Which I felt at first sort of odd...but it felt good. I actually felt like a big sister. Not trying to ruin my little sisters life, rather just guide her and inform her of different options.

Later my mom called and we talked for a while. She told me some things I really needed to hear about this family thing. Things like how her and dad are proud of me and proud to have me in the family and they tell everyone. I am sure we won't be strangers in TX by time we get there lol. Dad was in the background and told me some stuff that was all sweet and made me feel WOW maybe they really do know how I feel I swear parents have a way of reading your mind. The one thing that really stuck out is when dad called me "daddy's little girl".

Daddy's little Girl is code word between me and God. He told me a few years ago that He would send me a family in His timing, but at the time He wanted me for himself to guide me and prepare me for this moment now. I was God's daddy little girl for a long time and will continue to be so; but now he's giving me an earthly dad to be a 'little girl' to. Over the years so many have tried taken me in and such things, and I am thankful for that I've learned a lot over the years. But NEVER has anyone yet to say Daddy's Little Girl until this moment.

Last night I cried while going to sleep. Instead of tears of sadness and broken hearted, it was tears of joy. Laying beside me was a man that loves me more than I could ever dream of that is always there for me to help me and encourage me. Also, a 1,185 miles away I had a family that loves me and cares for me and are sent from God himself. So although things get tough and the sun isn't always shining in my world, God is always smiling down on me and I always have a constant reminder of how truly blessed I am.

Congratulations Will and Jenn

2008-11-25T18:35:00.000-06:00

My best friend Jennifer Turnage is her name,
For 21 years it's always been the same.
10 years of friendship now our lives we rearrange,
I pray the basics of our friends never change.

Your big day will be here before you know,
God's blessings upon you both I do bestow.
New life lies awaiting the both of you
Embrace it, live it with each morning dew.

News of your wedding gave me an intial scare,
But this friendship is true to eternity we prepare.
Friends to sisters we came to be not always so easily,
The next 10 years I wait anxiously to see.

April 11th 2009 Mrs. Benner you will be,
A day filled with those you hold close to thee.
I pray it be everything you dream of and more,
May your love always be stronger than the day before.

Congratulations on your arriving wedding day
Never forget our friendship is here to stay.
I will always be there by your side,
Remember to keep God as your ultimate guide.

Daddy and Me

2008-11-25T08:39:00.000-06:00

So you know there’s a question I wish to ask,
Not one of my easiest tasks.
Delayed long enough it’s been,
I pray I go out with a win.

Adopted dad to me you be
True dad full of love I see.
Waiting 3 years to renew my vows,
But here I go and ask you now.

June 17th 2012 my 2nd wedding day be
Bigger and better this time around we’ll see.
Daddy, now I ask will you give me away,
Would mean the world to me on my special day.

Love,
Your daughter,
Tracey

Then Dad replied so sweetly to me...

If this is what you wish of me,
Ill happily walk with thee
Down the isle for eternity,
To give you to the man with the same name as me.

Letting Go

2008-11-23T21:31:00.001-06:00

They say if you really love someone you must let go. How must you let go of something you have never caught grasp of, this I must know. I've never embraced her with a hug, nor pestered her with a shove or tug. Yet sister is the name I call her by, let her go you say why God why???

I never expected to love like this, I must remind myself you are ultimately His. Excited and ready to take that leap of faith, Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord did saith. I must let you go to spread your wings and fly, knowing this is not goodbye.

I pray the Lord to guide your every step along the way, and for you to feel my love in all I have to say. Oh dear sister of mine, I know you're going to shine and be just fine.

They say if you really love someone you must let them go. I embraced you in my heart and in spirit, this I know. Spread your wings dear sister of mine and know that this is true, I'll always be here loving and praying for you.

Romans 8:28

2008-11-22T21:16:00.000-06:00

Romans 8:28~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I am reminded of this everyday in some way. Things that happened to me in the past I couldn't see the good in it then, but now that I look back I can see it. Lately something my aunt and mom have talked to me about is tv shows/movies that I watch. I think it's crazy at times and sometimes do the whole huff and puff routine. Tonight I realized something, how much I am loved and cared for.

Earlier I saw Trading Spouses on tv and thought of what mom and aunt shoo shoo have said, I watched I love Lucy reruns instead. Tonight, my mom asked what I was watching, and I felt good to be able to say Akeelah and the Bee. I know it sounds childish, but I know they do things for my good. I become more aware to what I take in, because what I take in it will come out. So most may find it childish or dumb that my family 'checks in' on me, but I like it, it holds me accountable and I need that in my life.

So thanks to my hubby, my parents, my aunt and even my sister that show me different aspects of things. Sometimes we can not see how things work for the good until later in life; but sometimes we're blessed to see the good here and now. :-)

My Challenge

2008-11-20T08:15:00.000-06:00

Most people know of the stuff I have been going through lately, but they don't know of how it is completely changing my life. This will be the one and only time I say this for the simple fact, that I don't want to sound like a complainer or hear someone preach about faith or God can heal you. My faith is strong, not as strong as I would like it at times but none the less. I know what God has done and can continue to do. Please note this blog is not looking for encouragement or pity. I just need to get this out.

Not too long ago I decided that the headaches everyday and the ongoing pain was just enough. I went to a chiropractor and had tests and x-rays done. Long story short, I have spinal degeneration/subluxations and scoliosis. I go to the chiropractor every week to be adjusted in hopes that they can fix the problem or at least slow the process down. Headaches are fewer and my pain has decreased a lot. That in itself, the medical bills, adjusting to the adjustments, it's a lot to take in on one person.

That's not all that has had to be adjusted. I've always been an independant kind of woman. Now that is being taken from me. I can not do the things I used to do. I have to watch every little thing I do the way I move and turn. Yes, before I was in pain but not knowing why so I just figured it was a causal headache. Now that I know what it is I know I must be cautious or I could do more damage to what is already there. Being a newly wed wife, it also causes strain. I want to be a wife for my husband and not just a houseguest. I want to be able to clean the house and cook him dinner and all the 'wifey stuff', and sometimes I just can't do it. I can't clean certain areas of the house mostly the bathroom such as the shower. Vaccuming I can do but have to ask for help taking it up and downstairs. I can not vaccum my stairs any more.

What would take some people maybe 2 minutes to do will take me 10 minutes to do. The harder I push myself I know the more I will suffer from it later. It is tough, but I pray everyday for God to give me the strength. It's not just at home it's at work too, as far as prepping foods and such I always have to ask for help. It is really a burden on me to bother someone for 2 minutes to do such a simple task as moving a box for me. There are times I cry myself to sleep at night from frustration and confusion as to why I am having to go through this.

My sister and parents tell me all the time, Romans 8:28 (look it up). I know they are right and I love them for reminding me of it. Right now I honestly do not see how this will work out for good, but I know in time I will. I know there will come a time, maybe 5 years from now, that I look back and say Thanks God now I see why I went through all of that. I am not here to ask for sympathy, pity, feel sorry for myself or even to ask for prayer. I just needed to get this out, in hopes that people will be more understanding. I don't need you to preach to me about having faith in God no matter what. I know that, and I have faith He is going to heal me. Maybe now you understand a little more on how one problem can affect and alter your whole life.

Thanks to my husband Mike and my family that are always there to support and encourage me. I love yall.

Influences

2008-11-18T11:57:00.000-06:00

Well I thought I'd talk about influences in random language of course. Everyone always says that there's life of death in the tongue...Agreed. Everyone always says that actions speak louder than words...Agreed. So wouldn't that mean there's life and death in our actions more so than in our words? To say one thing and do another is obviously contradicting.

When our friends are going through hard times (those that claim to be Christ followers), would nomally say Trust God, Lean on Him. I have heard that so many times in my life and I am a visual learner, so I watched these people. Most of them yeh, they truly believed it and their actions made their words true. Some not so much so.

Now I have 2 younger sisters and 2 cousins younger than me (more than that, but those I have contact with). Everyday I watch myself more and more in my actions, whether they are physically with me or not. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and I pray my sisters and cousins never have to go through what I did. Now that I am of legal age, I feel at times temptation is a bit harder. When talking to mom or aunt shoo shoo whoever, I always say if my sisters every did this or that I would be really hurt/disappointed/angry. Please note my sisters are very smart and I learn more from them than they do from me I am sure. Now that I have them and especially Derek, when on the phone I watch my words more carefully, although it's speaking, it's still an action. Get my point?

From the jobs I choose to work at, places I choose to hang out at, I've come to the point in life where I've hit a maturity and realized life isn't all about me. There comes a time we have to drop our selfish thinking and ways and think...how is this going to affect my family/friends. Yes, we all have free will, but we all have those we look up to as well. Man will always let us down we're not perfect, but because we're not perfect I feel we look for 'examples' to be set in places that probably shouldn't. I honestly do not feel that it's wrong to look up to someone, as long as we remember that they are only human and they are going to mess up from time to time.

I want my sisters and or cousins...whoever...to feel they can come and talk to me, rather than feel they can not because of the road I choose to travel down. Bad 'habits'/lifestyles, are hard to change and we can't do it alone we need God to help us live a better lifestyle. But we must first come to a point where we realize that the world does not revolve us. What kind of lifestyle are you living? Does it bring life, or does it bring death? How long will you choose to wander around in the desert before you say enough is enough it's time to get serious?

...I am just sayin'...

Decemberadio

2008-11-16T08:41:00.000-06:00

I wish I could say this trip was PERFECT...but not quite...once again I'll get all the bad out then tell the only part that truly matters. 2 hour drive in the worse Minneapolis MN traffic ever, 2 detours, 1 wreck (not us), 3 traffic jams, our names were not on the guest list, didn't get to personally meet and greet the band AND going back out to our truck in the parking ramp someone had opened the back of our truck. Good news we don't think anything was stolen.

Ok now on to the good stuff. IF FLIPPIN ROCKED OUR FACES OFF!!! So like we get there and this was our first time ever at club 3 degress, I wish we lived closer because it's just an AWESOME place. We were worried that we wouldn't be able to see good because it was general admission. Dude we were like 20 feet from the stage I am not even exaggerating. The place was so cool we all sat at tables...well were intended to anyway lol. Seven glory opened it up and it was really awesome a lot better than I expected them to be, I didn't realize who they were till they sung their last song that I already forgot lol. Ruth came out and they did an awesome job too Mike liked them both but liked Ruth more. Sevenglory's drummer won me over though OMG that dude was maaaaaad, looked like a monkey on the drums.

Josh Reedy comes out on the stage just for a moment and speaks of compassion international and dude when he got on stage the place went crazy! Oh and dude REWIND! When the DR boys came in the club they walked right behind me to get to the back room when I saw them I think my heart stopped! :-o Ok so after speaking of compassion this tennessee redneck comes out named Billy Wayne and this dude was a trip! He was so flippin funny! He spoke about being who we are in Christ and not being afraid to stand up and face our giants. He briefly told his testimony and there were a lot in tears it was just amazing. At one point he said, there's some girls who feel they're never good enough for their mom they just never add up, never get the love they've always craved. Then said...There's some 40 year olds that feel the same to their fathers and just want to hear I am proud of ya and I love ya. That's when I lost it I really felt like God was speaking to me and Mike and I praise God Mike picked up on it too. The message was so powerful and I truly pray for Billy and his ministry.

Then this band Decemberadio comes out and I don't know why everyone was so excited they weren't THAT great. *rolleyes* Sarcasm is really not my best feature LOL. OMG they were so flippin awesome!!! You like their cd's??? That is NOTHING compared to live the place went craaaazy! They opened up with Believer and I sworny I am not sure who you could hear more the crowd or Josh...throughout the whole thing! They also played, Least of these, Gasoline, Find you waiting, Drifter, Everlasting Love (yeh that one through me lol), a little amazing grace, Love found me, Satisfied and I may be forgetting one or two. It was just absolutely AMAZING!!! I can NOT wait to go back. Mike really enjoyed it and didn't even wanna leave. Boone had one heck of a funny drum solo, that dude just trips me out. I was watching Lovelace close and making sure that hair of his didn't go flying off...I tell ya that dude has the most awesomeness hair ever! Yes awesomeness is a word Josh Reedy said so! :-p So yeh, it was just well...awesomeness lol. I don't know if there's even enough words to describe it, you just gotta see it for yourself. Pictures are on facebook, not that great you will see how crappy my camera is. If you don't like it feel free to donate to my camera fund! Rock on and peace out guys!

Sweet Blessings

2008-11-06T15:04:00.001-06:00

WARNING: This blog may contain too much love for the average person to handle. Reading this could result in an abundant feeling of love, self worth and appreciation.

I watched a movie today from Tyler Perry Collection titled: Madea Goes to Jail. Yes it's a comedy and there's a lot of good laughs in it, but I promise you there's a lot to learn from this collection of movies as well.

(When family is mentioned I would hope most of you would know by now it's in reference to my 'miracle family') It gave me a greater appreciation and love for my family. It reminded me of some things I have forgotten. Some say that God is all we need, we you get really technical about it and break it all down, yes I agree with that. I also believe though that we NEED our family and friends, hence why God places certain people in our lives. I believe most of us have a desire to be loved and appreciated by our families. Unfortunately, sometimes we're not always born into families that love and appreciate us the way we should. Now get this...I love and appreciate my BIOLOGICAL family more so today than yesterday. Yes, they have hurt me A LOT more than words can say, BUT without them I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't have been blessed with all that I have today. So here starts my list.

I am thankful for my biological family. I am thankful for all the hurt, abuse and neglect I went through the last 21 years. I am thankful for the opportunity to go through the experience I did in TN moving from home to home because I was seen as a 'problem child'. It was in those moments that I grew stronger, I gained a love that I was not expecting to gain. I lost a selfishness that I had, instead of gaining the love of a 'family' that I longed for so long...I GAVE a love that comes from deep within. I risked my life for others and without being there I would have never known or received the true gift of love. Being loved is an amazing thing it truly is...but I see now that maybe just maybe...we must be willing to love in order to have that love in return.

I am thankful for my husband that loves me in ways I never dreamed was possible from a man. A love that is true and pure. His support and encouragement that gets me through some of the toughest days. It's not always glorious rays of sunshine but I am thankful for the opportunity to love and grow together with him with each passing day.

I am thankful for my family that have opened my eyes to new horizons and possibilities. I am thankful for their wisdom that they share with me, no matter how bad it may hurt in the moment. I thank God for this new experience that we're about to take part in, that I may be edify and grow in the way He has designed for me. I am thankful for my my one TRUE friend of 10 years Jennifer Turnage that has never left my side regardless of the crap I went through. It's not always been a pretty scenery but she was willing to help me through it. I am thankful for the new friends I have met. Those that I argue our differences with and those that it just seems to always be so peaceful and bliss.

People come into our lives for a reason. Some are meant for a lifetime and some are meant just for a season. EVERYTHING happens for a reason and sometimes it takes a couple of years to find out exactly what that reason is. I am so thankful and blessed for my past and I thank God for all that I have today. James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

Here's a clip from the movie that I watched...it's sort of long but at least watch the first part before they start singing that is the most important part. Madea categorizes people in our lives as a tree. Whether they be a leaf, a branch or a root, thank God for all of it!

Sisterly Love

2008-11-03T11:23:00.001-06:00

So this morning I set out on a run with really one mission in mind...Get my sister a birthday card. I believe there and back may be a mile...maybe a little more. So I set out on my journey, ran to the market place and went in search for the perfect birthday card. I don't think I did half bad picking one out. So I go through check out and some 'old friends' I used to work with began the questioning.

Jamie: So why are you here?
Me: Needed to get my sister a birthday card.
Jamie: Where's Mike?
Me: At work
Jamie: So you ran all the way here for a card for your sister...why???
Me: Cause I love her and she's totally worth it. etc...
Jamie: Wow can I have her?
Me: Heeeeeeeeeeck NO!

Same thing happened at Subway. I was happy to be able to 'brag' on my sisters a little. Although technically I just met them a couple months ago...I love both of them dearly and am proud of both of them. So I suppose I dedicate this blog to both of my wonderful sisters. I love yall.

No Longer Christian

2008-11-02T07:34:00.000-06:00

Those that read this blog is probably one of the 5 that have sent me personal messages asking what the heck is going on. First of all I want to thank you for not ripping my head off and condemning me to hell because I made the statement. Now on to why I said that. PLEASE NOTE: I KNOW NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!

Last night I had a great night at work I was ready to go home and have a good talk with my mom and the rest of the family. Well I thought I'd unwind a little bit before calling her so I decided to check my emails and such. I will not go into everything that was said who said what or whatever. This blog is not directed at anyone but if you feel that it is, maybe you should take it to heart.

I am tired of people claiming to be CHRISTIAN and yet the only thing they have to say is to put someone down. I am tired of people claiming to be CHRISTIAN and yet they feel they are of some higher power and have no room to learn anything new for themselves. I am tired of people claiming to be CHRISTIAN and yet show no compassion towards others. I am tired of being CHRISTIAN! I no longer want to be associated with the group. So from this point on I will no longer claim to be a CHRISTIAN, instead I will be a Christ follower.

Yes, a christian is suppose to be a Christ follower. People today have given their own meaning to what a christian is or what it's suppose to be. Using the term christian would be fine if people actually acted as Christ. No we're not perfect...but I've been told some really hurtful things over the years by those that claim to be CHRISTIAN. We all serve the same God so why must our views be so different???? I don't care about denominations...God is God and He left us a book of instructions on how we're to live our life. Yes, people will interpret it differently according to their lives but I am talking about the basics here people. LOVE!!! Love your God...Love your neighbor...Love your enemies...on and on it's all about LOVE!!! It's not always easy but when we do it, He'll bless our 'stinking socks off' (as Bart Millard would say it).

There's life and death in the tongue. For the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart and this makes a man unclean. Our tongue is (in my opinion) our most powerful tool. How do you choose to use your tongue?? I thank God for those that I have in my life that are there to lift me up when I am down and show me different perspectives on things, because I don't know it all by far. I thank God for those that show me love unconditionally. I thank God I have people like my mom and dad and even my aunt shoo shoo that will always take me back to the basics and remind me of God's truth.

For those that have done nothing but say hurtful things and tear me down, I am sorry but I can't take it any more and those people will be deleted. More than likely they're not even reading this but in case you are...this is good bye. This is a time in my life where I need to be edified and honestly how I feel if you're not edifying then why should I be around you anyway? I've tried to show love, mercy and kindness and if nothing changes...why should I stay and continue to be hurt? I love you all...friends or not...I honestly do and I'll continue to pray for you. Thanks for showing me the difference of being a Christ follower and being a Christian.

To my fellow stalkers

2008-10-29T10:41:00.000-05:00

For those that obviously are still following me around...here's your note. I am glad you're so enthused and interested in my life that you continue to follow me around. I hope you can see how well I am doing now and how much God is blessing me. Although most of you put me through hell in back in more ways than you even know...thank you. It's made me a better person at least someone benefitted from it. Read my blogs if you want, maybe one day you'll allow God to minister to you. Continue with your negative/harrassing comments and I'll make sure that you are completely blocked off and not allowed to leave any comments. It's time to move on...I have and so should you.

~Daddys_lil_girl~

Hello Beautiful!

2008-10-27T18:28:00.000-05:00

For those that talk to me on a daily basis, they know that I usually greet them with some sort of 'encouraging' view. Such as Hello Beautiful, Gorgeous, Sunshine, Love face...I think you get the point. I have some beautiful friends inside and out. Some of them with an inner beauty so illuminate that's all you can see.

I am usually fairly good at self confidence. I don't think I am drop dead gorgeous and I don't think I am ugly. I always try to see myself in God's mirror. But as I looked in the mirror this morning all saw my reflection in MY mirror. Was not a pretty site I seemed pale, black under my eyes and my face pretty badly broken out. I can't tell you how many times I looked in the mirror today and just wanted to cry.

I didn't feel of worth or beauty today. I am not even sure why, tomorrow is a new day but I wanted to share how I felt today; that's the purpose of blogging after all right?

All I Want For Christmas

2008-10-26T10:31:00.000-05:00

I know I know it's only October, but before you know it Christmas will be here. Along with that age old question you're bound to hear 400 billion times, What do you want for Christmas? Please Note: I do not want hate mail coming to me saying Christmas is not about gifts it's about Jesus...I know that! So just relax and don't think so much. ;-)

Since I was 12 years old all I wanted for Christmas was a family to call my own. One that wanted me for who I was and it was that year that my parents told me to go find other parents. Day in and day out I prayed and searched for someone that would take me in. Well here I am 9 years later and I finally have what I always wanted for Christmas.

So for those that are just so stinking nice and want to send packages out, I can't stop you. But I do want you all to know that I have all I want for Christmas. Although they are in TX they are still very close to my heart and they're all mine...well you know what I mean lol. I know next year I'll be able to spend Christmas with them personally as we will have been moved and everything.

All I wanted for Christmas was a family took my 9 years to get what I always wanted, but the best things in life are worth waiting for. I pray you all have a blessed merry Christmas and truly get what your heart desires, whether it be something physical or something a little more sentimental like mine. Always remember, Jesus is the reason for the season and He is the ultimate one that gives you the desires of your heart; no matter what the return address may say. ;-)

Mercy Me Blessed Me

2008-10-24T08:58:00.001-05:00

As most of you know, especially Rose and Mike of course; Yesterday was a bad day. It was full of hardships and pain I was not ready to face. After work I came home and decided to sit in and watch the Mercy Me concert live online and chat with some good friends there. Just as I was not expecting to face the hardships of the day nor was I ready to be blessed in such a way.

It was nearing the end and Bart began to talk about how it's not about us it's all about God and His plan. It was one of those moments I felt like he was just speaking to me personally. Not all our hardships come from the devil and why do we give him so much credit. God takes us through things to strengthen us and to prepare us for the plan He has in store for us later down the road. He continued to sing Bring the Rain and Emanuel it was an AMAZING night filled with some really amazing worship.

By the end of the show I felt a bit guilty for the way I had acted the whole day. Yeh I had a hard day but I am sure I brought a few others down with me, especially at work. Mike sorry you're always stuck with me and my bad days. Rose thanks for being there and talking to me, it really did help. Thanks Mercy Me for just doing what you do and doing it well. I suppose it is like mom always says, Today is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it...no matter what may come.

I made the call

2008-10-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

9:30 this morning I decided to call my grandpappy. If you don't know, this is the first time we have spoken since grams passed away. I have never in 21 years heard my grandpappy cry, until today. It was heart breaking and I so badly wanted to be there to sit in his lap as when I was a little and tell him everything would be ok. We continued with small talk while both fighting tears not wanting the other to hear our pain.

He asked when we were moving back to NC and I just didn't have the heart to tell him we were moving to TX, I didn't feel the time was right. I just told him things had gotten behind in the move with my 'medical problems' going on. He asked about the rest of the family and the last we talked. He continued to say the saddest thing to see is a family to fall apart. Grandpappy knows how the family is and how they have chosen not to talk to me.

Having said this he chose to inform me that I am now an aunt. My sister apparantly had her baby yesterday. I do not know the name of the baby or anything besides it was born yesterday. My grandpappy said he wanted to do what he felt was right and I should know what is going on. I feel my grandpappy is the only one that really wants me in this family.

Although it was hard and fighting tears, we had a good conversation. I worry about my grandpappy his doctor says his health is not well he's not eating right or anything. He's really having it hard I can only imagine. He said in all his life he's never felt so much pain. It was my turn to advise my grandpappy and remind him of God's promises. Please keep him in your prayers.

I plan to write him soon and send him pictures of me, I'll be staying in contact at least once a week now.

Month Gone By

2008-10-21T19:56:00.001-05:00

It's been almost a month since my grams has passed away. Everyday gets easier I suppose...but I still miss her as much as the last time I saw her. Since then I have been completely honest and up front with my biological family with respect on how I felt on the way they didn't stay in contact with me. Pretty much it's over for now with my biological family, they've made it clear they don't want any thing to do with me.

One thing that is 'burdening me' is that I haven't talked to my grandpappy since grams passed. It hurts me a lot but I don't know what to say when I do call. I don't know what he will think or say to me. I know my family has been talking about me and the way I have stood up to them. I so bad wanna talk to Grandpappy, but what do I say, how do I fight the tears? How do I tell him we're moving to Tx? I am still praying, a part of me wants to call and the other part feels I should be waiting.

Anyway just needed to vent this out. So if anyone chooses to read this I would really appreciate some prayers. Thanks to those that read my blogs.

xxx
Tracey

Just Relax

2008-10-20T22:05:00.000-05:00

Saying good night to my 'sister' down in Texas, although our chat was short she reminded me of something. The truth of God's promises. I was just thinking of our conversation and this sort of just came out. This is my prayer and creed, I love you Jennifer Schnabel thank you!

Just relax they say
Tomorrow is a new day.
Try and unwind
Don't allow satan to get you in a bind.

I ponder and pray
when the sun will shine my way.
Through all the hustle and grind
Patience and peace I will find.

To my knees I fall
Dear God take it all
I can't bare it any more,
You're the one I adore.

Here on the solid rock I stand
God by my side hand in hand
One thing reamins true you see
The Son always shines on me.

Message in a Dream

2008-10-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

A couple of nights ago I once again had a dream about TX and things that would happen. Let me start this by saying that these dreams have happened my whole life and usually come true in some way shape or form. Now that we're moving to TX I see things that I know will one day come true.

We (Mike, mom, dad, rose, adam, the kids) were at this auditordium and my dream kept flashing one time I am indoors and the next we're outside on a platform. Either way there's 100's of people there and we're doing praise and worship. I don't know everyone that is leading worship but I know mom, dad and adam are on stage. We're finishing out worship and of course Emanuel, God with us is the song. Well the worship team keeps playing and mom and dad introduce me on stage as their daughter saying I am going to give my testimony.

I begin to get on stage and I am not nervous at all. The band is still playing, instead of starting to tell my testimony I tell the band to stop playing. I get a word from God and I begin to give it to the crowd and everyone is cheering and saying amen. All I remember of 'the word' is I said My feet are planted on the solid rock I stand my faith is grounded in the word of God. Then I woke up.

I know big things are yet to come in TX and I am excited to get started. I thank God for the dreams He has given me. I do pray though that He will soon give me dreams on how to make this move work. I am ready to go and get started.

Feels So Good

2008-10-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

Growing up was tough, as most of you know. Something I wouldn't pray on my worse enemy and I pray to God I never have to go through certain things again. My past has made me who I am today so I am grateful and thankful for God taking me through it. Growing up though there was something I longed for something I could never seem to find. When I was in 7th grade my parents told me to go find other parents. I have longed and searched for years that God would send a family to my life that would love and care for me the way I have always longed for.

Don't get me wrong I have met some fabulous lovely people through out my life that have helped me through and played 'mother roles' in my life so to speak. Without them I would have given up...but something just never really 'felt right' so to speak. I met Mike and married and sort of just forgot about the whole family thing as though I assumed it was 'too late'. Deep down though I still longed for that family to call my own. To know if I ever need a mom or dad to talk to I have someone to go to. Or a sister or brother I could go and just talk to whether them venting to me or vise versa.

Well as my close friends know, I have met a family. A family that I didn't really expect to be THE FAMILY. It started out with one and that one became one of my closest friend I have today. Now I/we call her aunt shoo shoo hehe that still makes me laugh. She introduced me to her sister and I knew then why God sent them to my life. I now have a family...my miracle family. I've been trying to accept this unconditional love stuff and accept the fact that they actually do love me and want me.

I told my best friend ever Jennifer Turnage, last night about them and she knows too how much they mean to me and how long I have waited to finally have a family to call my own. Last night I was talking to mom which most would probably know as Anna or sewnlove. I was so happy to talk to her as nana is in town and we've not had much time to talk after we had just started talking about every night even if just to say good night now I haven't talked to her in about 8 days. Near the end of our conversation mom said Jenn (my fantabulous remarkable 'little' (barely) sister) had gotten home about 30 minutes ago. I asked mom why she wasn't in bed by now and her response had me in tears.

She replied: "I needed some quality time with my daughter". I have never heard that in my entire life and I can't describe how good it felt to hear it. I enjoyed the remainder of my time with 'my mom' with tear filled eyes and peace in my heart. It feels so good to finally have a family to call my own. One to love me unconditionally, one where I can be myself and not be judged, where I can be edified and prayed over. I can not explain how blessed I am to be part of the Schnabel/Richter family. Thank you and Thank God for the most awesomeness blessing ever! I love yall so much can't wait to come home.

Shabby made me do it

2008-10-16T13:58:00.000-05:00

So yeh apparantly I am suppose to go to the 6th picture in the 6th album of my pictures and talk about the picture. So like here it is.

This is when we were in IN at the Music Build Tour/Habitat for Humanity trip. We had just gotten to the hotel and I saw the mirror and decided that it was time I had a mirror picture of myself since everyone else has one. Yes, I am ashamed I conformed to the ways of this wild and wacky world but it's ok God has forgiven me.

Twilight Day

2008-09-29T17:47:00.000-05:00

Today has been just one weird, blah, confused kind of day. I dunno how else to really explain it. I went to the dr. this morning and even Dean was acting weird. Instead of talking 400 miles per hour he barely said anything. My weird dreams continue so I am really a bit over tired maybe that's what it is.

I am flustered with life I have a few questions that I think every 'woman' knows the answer to and yet I don't and feel that I should, so I am too embarrased to ask anyone. I just feel like I am the only one that doesn't know. Isn't there a book like How to be a Woman For Dummies or something?

Now I was just sitting at my desk and found a picture of Rose and Have no idea where it came from and I know that it has NOT been sitting there all week much less earlier today. It's just all so...WEIRD. Maybe I am just extremely over tired and need sleep.

Then again...sleeping won't get my questions answered nor will it explain why a picture of Rose 'magically' appeared on my desk. Aye ya ya is this day over yet???

What Defines You Today?

2008-09-28T09:32:00.000-05:00

What is it that defines you today? Is it the brand new sports car you just bought that sits out in the driveway for everyone to see? Are you the one that lives in the big 'ritz house' down on 3rd Ave? I bet you're the one that works at that bank right?

What if...we were defind by something greater? Grant it this would mean the entire society would have to get a new way of thinking, but follow me on this. If your 'friends' could describe you with ONE phrase, what would it be? Would it be something of 'physical well being' so to speak, or would it be something of the spirit? Would you be one of the few mentioned above, or would you be the one of a humble spirit?

I know for me usually I am defined by the southern bell. Which isn't always bad and can be a good thing once they explain what they mean. Just something to think about today. Are you the one losing control in chaos, or are you the one at peace in the midst of chaos. Some people say chaos is not good...but come on admit it...it's BOUND to happen at some point or another, especially if you have kids.

This is mostly ramble once again but bottom line is...What Defines You Today?

Dreaming of TX

2008-09-26T10:44:00.000-05:00

So last night I had a dream of tx. Guess who's in tx?? The infamous mama g herself Corrine! Oh man it was so weird and yet fun and I didn't want to wake up. We were on electric scooters I had a red one and mama g had a blue one and we were leaving what I am assuming would have been her home and she was taking me to see Rose and Anna. Well at the end of the drive way was what looked to be a little well, but instead of water there were flowers. There was a sign that said This represents the blooming friendship with Debbie Waters. The other side of the well was empty but looked as if it was being prepared for another batch of flowers and I asked what was that side for...and she said me! Then we headed to see Rose and Anna while talking about Third Day and Decemberadio and how we could get more people involved kind of thing. Weird but it was cool...I didn't wanna wake up. :)

Note to Mama G: I hope we have as good as time in real life as we do in my dreams. :)

How Great Is Our God

2008-09-26T09:19:00.001-05:00

Last night was a pretty good night, I was probably a 6-7 on my pain scale...but God's blessings still poured through and the pain subsided. Last night I was hurt and I admit a bit angry that my family has yet to call me to check on me or give me any update with the 'grams situation'. I don't know what to do any more and I pretty much just wanna give up. So I called some people for some advice after talking to mike about it, and of course the only 2 opinions I really wanted were Rose and Anna.

Rose was with MJ and forgot her charger so I knew I was outta luck there. I called Anna and left a message, and we played phone tag a bit lol. Found Anna online and finally 'met' Mike S. Oh buddy I don't think I was expecting that experience. One of my biggest fears throughout my whole life has been Failure. Something I didn't want anyone to know, I wanted to keep my cool so to speak. Well last night for some reason Mike S. tells me that I can't be afraid of failure. Like where the heck does that come from and why is this dude telling me this. This dude was pretty brave to say something like that to me lol.

Any other time I would have gotten angry for someone saying something like that, but I just sat there awe struck in disbelief that he just said those words. Can't let the fear of failure hold you back. If you fall down then get back up and try again. Everyone fails but it's how you react to that is what matters. Hmmm mre of my own words thrown in my face, but I needed to hear it. I am not here to put anyone down so please don't misread my next paragraph.

My biological family, when I lived in NC I constantly lived in fear of some sort. Fear that I would never be good enough, Fear that I would do something wrong. I would be so scared that I wouldn't make a poster for my room right that I didn't even make it, how sad is that. Constantly feeling the pressure that I needed to be perfect. I am sure maybe my parents tried to do the best that could, with the knowledge they had. After all, for the most part they did keep me alive 18 years right? Not until the past year or so have I experienced unconditional love and I am still trying to get used to it.

Here's fear gone too far, when you fear that you won't love someone 'right' so you decide not to love at all. When you hide your feelings from those you really and truly care about because you feel it's wrong. I didn't realize how bad I had it till last night. I had a great time talking with Anna and Mike last night and a few things were brought to light and today I have more peace. Last night their daughter Jennifer even asked how my chiropractic stuff was going. I felt walls going up fast for some reason...no need to worry the foundation was rocky and it all fell down lol. I have found a love I have been searching for for a loooong time. A place I feel I can be myself and I won't be put down or criticized or loved any less because of it.

Last night both me and Anna had dreams of me being in TX. Confirmations are still coming in from different people. That's why I am now announcing that we are moving to TX begining of 2009. We do not have an exact location laid out yet all of that will come in time I know. But I feel God wants me to be where I will be edified in His will...and I know I'll receive that in TX. Me and Mike P. are both excited about this move and look forward to all God has in store for us both.

Side Note: I will not be calling my family. I feel that only more hurt and pain will come. But I will be writing a letter to them this week and say everything that I would say if we were on the phone. Thanks for your love support and prayers. It's good to be a part of the Schnable/Richter family. :)

Amazing Grace

2008-09-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

There I sat 13 of age,
Full of rage.
Broken hearted
My life oh so parted.

We sung Amazing Grace.
You taught me how to play,
Oh the peace upon your face.
How I wished longer you'd stay.

Light of hope shining near,
No longer will I live in fear.
Onward I go I won't give in,
I know in the end I will win.

We sung Amazing Grace.
You taught me how to play,
Oh the peace upon your face.
How I thank God you stayed.

In that moment time stood still,
Prayers come thru of God's perfect will.
You're homecoming day was now here,
That sweet song I pray you now hear.

We sing Amazing Grace.
Now I stand and play.
Oh the peace upon your face
Now you're home forever to stay.

What Is Love?

2008-09-25T16:35:00.000-05:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This is not just some words printed in a book. This is not just some webster definition. This is what the creator of love has said love is. Some people amaze me how they can say, Well I love them when I first met them but I don't love them any more. Or I don't know if I love them like I used to. Love is a lot of things, but one thing it is not is unsure. You can not just turn TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE on and off like a light. Either you love or you don't, there is no in between. To care for one and to love one is two different things.

I believe we throw the word Love around as if it was a softball or something. Should we hear LOVE more often, YES. BUT we should know what TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is before you use the word. Once you tell someone you love them no matter who they are I guarantee they expect, hope and pray that you mean it forever. Love should never be unsure, never a fight, but something definitely worth fighting for.

For Your Glory

2008-09-24T11:16:00.000-05:00

Amazing song by Decemberadio and one that came to my mind this morning on my run.

When I was in High School I was the fastest runner in my class. One day we were running and instead of having the attitude of 'I am gonna run from my problems', I said 'I am gonna run to God'. That day I ran the mile in 7.02 minutes, A record I have yet to break. This isn't about setting records or running, just follow me on this.

That change in attitude is what had me more positive results and I am sure of it. When we do anything for God and for HIS glory not for our own selfish needs, ever notice the difference in your results? That one day I got so much praise from my teacher and classmates...they were in shock, and my attitude when back to selfish needs. I wanted more of that praise I wanted to be the best...and my time got worse and worse over the years.

The mindset of God will take us further than our dreams ever will. His dreams for us are always sweeter than our own. Take Mondays for example...Wake up with the attitude of Oh God it's Monday lets just get it over with, we've hindered God already and the blessings He has in store for the day. Wake up and say Good morning God it's Monday lets get this started! I guarantee you weather it's monday or whatever day, our Attitudes determine our outcomes. This sort of ties in with the power of our words...but I thought I'd share with you guys.

Don't make it hard either it's really simple...everything you do do for God's glory. It's all in your attitude...Positive Attitudes = Positive Outcomes...Try it. Our day to day jobs whether it's working in a nice cozy office or cleaning sewers...do it for God's glory and you will be blessed. People are always watching and they'll catch on, this stuff is contagious. ;)

Slow Down

2008-09-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

Yes it's a great Third Day song but I am not here to talk about Third Day or their song Slow Down.

This will be short and sweet. So many times we go in prayer asking God to give us patience, give us peace, give us understanding, give us wisdom. Ask and you shall receive...right? Yes, God keeps His promises; Luke 11:9 Ask and it shall be given. I talk to so many people and even find myself saying the same thing, I asked and God didn't give it to me.

God gives in His timing and in His way. Look at it this way, there's a grape vine and there's a dried grape. You have 2 choices, fill the grape with juice (someway some how I am no farmer, just go with me here) and the grape will be fine for a couple days. Or you can choose to put a little more effort into it and nurture the vine and bring it back to health so to speak and the grape will be healthy for much much longer.

I feel God works in the same way. He doesn't want to just fill us up and send us on our way so that in a week or two we run back to Him asking for the same thing again, weather it be patience, wisdom, understanding, rest or whatever. I feel God wants to nurture us and embed in us His word and teachings so that we can go out a month from now and testify what He has done for us and hopefully be a blessing to others. Instead of just giving us whatever we ask for He puts us in circumstances in which we have to put a little effort forward and learn to apply it and therefore gain that which we have asked for.

Hope this makes sense and it blesses your life, let me know what you think. :)

How I Feel

2008-09-22T19:21:00.001-05:00

Well today was an ok day. I went to work and my manager was back from her meetings. I told her about my grams and she was surprised and thankful that I actually worked the last 2 days with it all going on. She gave me the next 2 days off to rest and get things together. Work went by pretty quick I was glad about that.

I can't help but think of the way things have happened. Not being called in with the rest of the family...that hurt...bad. Not even getting a call saying grams has passed on...yeh that hurt too. Lucky for me, grams and I had that special connection and she had her way of letting me know she was going Home. I know my grams has had everyone tied up and a bit occupied...is it wrong for me to want my 'parents' or someone to ask "hey how's it going with your back? What are the doctors saying?"

I been talking to Anna and Rose more lately and I have so many mixed emotions. Some of anger, but mostly of love I've never experienced before, a peace and comfort. Other than Mike (and God knows I couldn't do this without him), I feel Rose and Anna's family are my only support and my only family. Then there are times I feel bad as though I am a burden again and I want to block myself off from them and just step back. Nothing they do...it's just me.

Through the hurt my family has put me through...all in all I have a peace about my grams, and I now have a love that I've wanted for a long time. I was talking to my Aunt Sherry just yesterday and we were talking about all of this and I told her of my friends...yes mostly Anna and Rose. One of the last things she said to me was, God always fills the void in our lives, He brings people into our lives that bring us the desires of our hearts. I believe she's right. Although I am a little sad right now...I am so happy to have Rose and Anna's family in my life. They will never know how much they mean to me and how much they have done for me even just this far. I look forward to the future and seeing what God has in store for us.

To Everyone that has been praying and showing love and support, thank you! To those certain few (you should know who you are) Thanks for being my nonbiological family. I love yall so much.

Sweet Memories 2

2008-09-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Grams loved to garden, boy did she love her flowers I believe patunias were her favorite. I remember playing in the dirt and us laughing together as I repeated PA-tuuuunias, sweet memories I'll never forget. Grams used to always talk about God and His love for us no matter what we did she'd always sneak it in there, she was good like that. I remember in the summer time how we didn't have a pool at her house so we filled 5 gallon buckets full of water and would sit in them and catch up on lost time. I remember the play house grandpappy built for us kids and how grams put a tea set in there and she'd sneak out with me and play tea time...followed by a quick push on the swing set. Christmas was always spent at Grams and Grandpappy every year. I loved watching Grams fix chocolate pies, plain fudge, fudge with nuts, lemon pies oh me oh my was she the best! Christmas was not about giving it was about family coming together and grams loved it...but everywhere I waited in anticipation as she would open my gift to her. Every year no matter how cheesy or corny it was she always said it's the best cause it's from MY Tracey and I always felt so much love to know I was GRAMS special little girl and that was something to be proud of.

Most of our time was spent in VA with grams...but when they could make it they traveled to NC a couple times. They made it in time for my baptism and afterwards sat me down and made sure I understood what I had just did and we talked about God and His plan for us. She made it to my last day of crusaders youth camp and the awards ceremony. I was so happy to see her I almost missed the fact that I won Sportsmanship that year...she had to tell me to go get my trophy lol still to this day I have it. My grams missed my talent competition though...but I sent her a tape and I watched it with her so it was as if she was there and she made me feel so important. She had a way of giving me a confidence and encouragment no one ever did before. She taught me the difference between mercy and grace, the importance of love and the power of our words.

One day she was visiting with us in NC and I was upset about something that had happened...I was angry at my parents...I ran outta the house with a mini keyboard I had and sat on the swing outside banging away at it. My grams followed me out and just stood there by the swing under the tree and said...Is this seat taken? Of course I let her sit down...although I was just banging away at the keyboard obnoxiously she said "that's a beautiful song." I just laughed at her and said I am not playing nothing and she taught me that we speak to God not only in our words but our actions and He loves it when we talk to Him in the good and the bad times. She proceeded to show me how to play Amazing Grace.

I looked up at her in awe I had no idea she knew how to play. I asked her how did she do that, and with a smile of peace she said I play from my heart it just comes natural. I never really understood what that meant at the time but I was anxious to find out. I learned how to play Amazing Grace that day and I was so stinking proud of myself. I told her I would play it at her funeral one day and quickly took my words back not realizing what I had just slipped out and she just smiled and said I'd like that.

My grams is a special woman, smartest woman I know in knowledge and wisdom. One of love, determination, understanding and even patience. I pray that as I grow old I become at least half the woman she was. I called my grams more and more recently knowing she was sick I wanted her to know I loved her dearly. Many times she was too sick to call but as soon as grandpappy told her it was me...she gained energy from somewhere to talk to me for 5 minutes, enough to say I love you. Our last conversation was her making sure I was right with God. To make sure I knew what it took to get into heaven all she cared about was that I was gonna be ok and be on the right path. The last thing my grams said to me was Tracey I love you.

I had a dream about a week ago...much deeper than a dream but I am not sure what to call it. I was with my grams I could smell her and feel her wrap her arms around me tight in hugs and say I love you and I want you to be happy and stay in God's will. She told me not to worry about not making it down to say good bye that that's what that time was for. Not to worry about the funeral because she wouldn't be there herself. Yesterday (9-20-08) I was laying on my futon just strumming my guitar before work and about 2:40 I smelt my grams again like in the dream...and in that moment I knew she was going home. I got the news last night of confirmation on that.

I am sad, I am hurt but for those praying please know that I love my grams very much and yes I'll miss her but I am not sad or hurt by this. I had my time with her something no one else experienced. I am hurt at the way my family has treated all of this in which I will not go into details because this is about sweet memories. My last memory of me and my grams will be that night in my 'dream' where I said my farewell and she assured me and I assured her all would be ok. There's a special connection with me and my grams...one I may never figure out, but we know how it is and that's all that matters. I love you grams.

Love,
Your special girl
Sugar Lump

Sweet Memories

2008-09-21T08:23:00.000-05:00

I don't remember much from being a baby. But around 4-5 years old I have a few memories I can remember. I grew up and lived in NC, my great grandparents lived in VA and we made it a point to go see them at LEAST once a month for a weekend. When I was younger I remember every Saturday morning waking up running into grams and grandpappy's room and hiding under the covers with them. Grams would say: Sherwood (grandpappy) I think a sugar lump has crawled right up in our bed. I'd cover my mouth trying not to giggle until they both rolled over and hugged me. We'd get up make the bed and off to the kitchen to prepare breakfeast. Grams and Grandpappy would have their coffee I would have my orange juice, and I'd watch as grams would prepare breakfeast adding secret ingredients I was yet too young to know about. After breakfeast me and grams would go to the nursing home to see her mom. We'd watch homeward bound and I'd have 2nd breakfeast with my great great grams.

Time goes by with the same routine, never failing. When I was 10-14 the routine begins to change a little. Saturday morning I'd crawl outta bed to find grams and grandpappy already awake and finished with their first cup of coffee...but grams never started breakfeast without me. I never even realized that till now, and how special that time meant to not only me but to my grams as well. Grams would offer me coffee and I'd always make my joke coffee is for old people but I'll take hot chocolate. After our drinks were made we'd begin making pancakes soon finding out the secret ingredient, a little love and sugar to remind everyone they were from grams and sugar lump. After breakfeast, with great great grams already passed away and home bound, I'd rush off to an eventful day with my aunt and uncle. Time now I wish I would have spent a little more with my grams. Before I departed, me and grams would walk down to horse stables down the road about a mile. We'd feed the horses and name them something different every week because grams could never remember. One day we walked a little further to a pond and were attacked by geese, wasn't funny then but now I can't help but chuckle.

15-18 years old I was so angry, bitter and hurt by secret life going on at home. I always thought grams secretly knew. She always made it a point to hug me more than usual, always to make sure I knew I was loved and that I was her 'special girl'. My last visit to my grams was about 2 years ago, I drove from TN to VA to go see her and grandpappy. The family was angry because it was more of a surprise, I got a lot of grief from that visit. But even still a surprise as I rung the door bell and they came to the door it never failed they welcomed me with open arms and kisses.

From the time I was little to my last visit I had with my family to my grams...I loved bed time. I'd give my hugs and kisses good night and off to bed with anticipation and excitement. I knew grams would soon appear with the Fairy Tale book. So many stories and for some reason I always wanted to hear Rumpelstiltskin. When I was in 9th grade I was given a monkey as a birthday gift from a friend I call monk monk. I'd sneak him off with me wherever I went no matter how old I was...he was my friend. I was 17 and my parents refused to let me take him on our trip to VA, I was devestated I cried the whole way there. That night grams comes in and I told her what happened. She goes into the closet and pulls out a teddy bear and says I am sorry sweetie this is the best I can do, and reads me Rumpelstiltskin and says it's our little secret.

Sweet Memories Part 2 coming soon...

Lets Talk

2008-09-19T18:40:00.000-05:00

Ever have those times when you just wanna sit down and talk to someone with nothing planned to say...just go with the flow and see where the moment takes you? Right now is one of those times. So much going on so much to think about. So here's my blunt and honest ramble to whoever cares to read it.

So one day something just happened and a change began to occur. I was angry and hurt and felt that one of my closest friendships were falling apart. I talked to that friend today for the first time in a long time, and I believe now I understand why we needed that time apart. While away from that friend I grew closer to others and built a relationship with a couple of people and thier families I never dreamed possible. I can't say it's all been happy go lucky though.

These friends have shown me things of myself I liked but bashfully shyed away from hoping they wouldn't see my true feelings. Others, well to be honest it hurt. I am disappointed in myself, I failed myself and my friends. I would say I have failed God...but He says I haven't failed...only stumbled...again lol. I admit I have a problem cussing. If I become angry or upset I feel others are coming against me I flare up and I just say the first thing that comes to mind. Some christian huh?

I am here to tell ya folks, we may be christian but we sure in heck aint perfect. We don't always make the best choices, we can't always hold our head high and proud and anyone who claims differently is full of themselves. I admit and apologize that I have looked at some of you as though you are perfect...I put you on a pedalstal you should not be on. I apologize for that, sometimes when we find people that come into our lives and they love us through our faults...it's easy to get caught up in ourselves so to speak and think they are better than us.

My conscience is killing me over my tongue. There's life and death in the tongue and I've spoken a lot of death lately. Intentionally or not...once it's said it's done you can't take words back. You can't take back the hurt you may have caused someone. Today most people knowingly or not want and fight for power. Weather it be in our work place, our homes, our families or amoungst friends. Here's a little reminder...You hold a lot of power in that little thing inside your mouth called your tongue. The simplest words can and your attitude can either better someone's day or tear them down.

I called a very dear friend of mine about an hour ago and I really wasn't sure why I had nothing new to tell her...so while I am waiting for her to answer and in all honesty hoping the voice mail would pick up so I didn't sound so stupid...I prayed. God why are you having me call her...AGAIN? I feel like such a bother sometimes when I call people especially when it seems to become habit. But as she answered the phone, I felt God telling me to speak life...and so I did with 3 words, I love you. That was all I had to say nothing more left in my wee little brain could I think of besides, I love you.

Challenge yourself today to think before you speak. Are your words gonna bring life or will they bring death? Are you speaking out of emotion or are you speaking from your heart? It's hard to do sometimes especially when we get tied up in our day and everything is chaotic...but I challenge you to stand along side of me today and choose to speak life to everyone you come in contact with.

Be Blessed and always remember You are a child of the most high God!

God Will Always Work It Out

2008-09-06T07:44:00.000-05:00

For anyone that reads this blog must surely know the battles I've been through lately, some more so than others. My greatest battle being that my Grams has stopped treatments for her melanoma cancer. Her being in severe pain and so weak all she can do is sleep. Being 1000 miles away from her, not being able to talk to her or anything. Feeling an extreme strong connection with her and yet unable to figure out what it is and what to do with it. I've been fighting the tears for quite some time and the last few days I have failed miserably at that. Being afraid and too shelfish to pray for God's will.

Last night I created a playlist of Decemberadio playing Love Can, Be Alright and Find You Waiting. I cried for hours asking God to bring me strength, comfort and a peace above all understanding. Be Alright began playing the 2nd or 3rd time and the words engrossed me from the start. "You've got the world upon your shoulders it don't have to be this way you can't stop your heart from hurting or take the pain away. You know life can get a little hard sometimes but I know it's gonna be alright." I've listened to this song a million times since I've had the cd and it just never captured me so much that this is exactly what I am going through right now.

I went to bed praying God would bring me peace so I could get some sleep. I was yet to pray for His will. Mike tucked me into bed and I believe as soon as my head hit the pillow I was gone and God began working. I can't explain it all but my grams was with me...it was a dream but yet real. I was hugging her and I felt her body against mine I smelt that spring fresh smell that has always embedded her home. I began to cry and telling her how I felt. Everything on how I was scared and I wanted her to stay how much I loved her and how I wish I would have done things differently. I held her close and it was extremely weird I felt I was in her home she was updating me on things such as how they have to sleep in the spare bedroom now because their main bedroom with their bed is too high for her to get on. I don't know if that is true but I am curious to find out now. So we went into the spare bedroom and I tucked her into bed and held her close. I told her everything would be ok I assured her that I am safe and happy and that although I still mess up I now stand firm in my faith with God and I know He's always there for me.

My grams got a peaceful look on her face and just smiled. I was so honest with her I told her how I felt about even the funeral and how I would try everything in my might but how things are tight still but I wouldn't give up. She told me not to worry that me being there with her then in that moment (last night) was all she needed, and that she would not be at the funeral either because she was going home. I began to cry again as I asked God to bless her with the best of angel wings He has and in that moment I prayed for God's will to be done, I gave my grams back to her owner. In the very second I sat straight up in bed looked at the clock at it was 12:00 am on the dot and I went back to sleep and slept for the first time in about a week with no bad dreams or anything.

As I type this blog out I still feel the tears streaming but no more in sadness, rather thankfullness. Many will call me crazy after reading this, but I know what happened. I can't explain it I don't know why it happened I just know God was in it. Me being so far away from my grams it's impossible to be with her, but with God all things are possible. Although this was only a dream or whatever it was, God made it possible that I was with my grams. It will be sad no longer having her around, especially her chocolate pie lol; but I know at least she will be home and receiving all that she deserves and has longed for.

Third Day Live

2008-09-03T13:26:00.001-05:00

Ok so here's my Third Day on the Third Day blog. Most know that I was just recently hanging out with Third Day in IN 8-22-08. I am not talking about a 15 minute meet and greet I am talking about one on one lets just hang out and chill kind of thing. I hung out with the guys...mostly Mark for about 2 hours talking and working on habitat for humanity. I got to know the guys a little more and see what everyone has been talking about. At first I was EXTREMELY nervous it was my first time ever meeting them and I had no idea what was gonna happen. After about 5 minutes though all was cool and I wasn't nervous at all. I won't re-write my last blog I promise lol.

So that night we had AMAZING tickets 3 rows back and right in front of Mark! Seeing the guys live and that close was just undescribable! The show totally rocked and I saw a few other gomers there and found out exactly what all the hype was about Third Day. Yeh, I always knew they were awesome...but flippin flap jacks dude that was outstanding!!! Mac asked everyone to sit down for 2 or 3 songs and well that just didn't happen lol. We tried but the crowd was just pumping. Third Day just has a way of keeping everyone on their feet and having a blast. It's really like you're hanging out with your family or something. I have seen Third Day before when I was a freshman in high school but I was in the back of the balcony. I held on to that story for many years and that's all I had to speak of.

Now a new journey begins. My husband and I have just signed up for Wired last night and we're planning to make the Minneapolis MN Music Builds show and I totally can't wait! I am blessed to be able to have a new fresh Third Day story to tell and bless others with. I can not wait for the MN show and see what is to come next. Rock on Third Day!

Habitat for Humanity / Music Builds.

2008-08-24T08:02:00.000-05:00

Let me start just by saying it was...FLIPPPIN AMAZINGLY AWESOME, and that doesn't do justice to the time I had. I started this contest not really thinking I would win but wanted to help habitat for humanity out. Well one thing led to another and I ended up actually being the top donater with $735! Well after all the confusion and stress of where I'd actually be going, I ended up making the Indianapolis, IN trip and getting the $1000.00 in advance so I could pay for the trip. Here is a brief summary of the ride there. We ended up $350.00 short in the gift cards because of card 'malfunctions', it was a long 9 hour drive, Chicago was horrible as always, 4 site constructions on the way there, gas fill up lasting 15-20 minutes long cause everyone wants to talk or take pictures of a storm chaser, our tickets weren't at the box office for the concert and we were the blame for crashing Taco Bell's computer system. Ok out with the negative here's what you guys wanna hear.

So we left Thursday morning about 7 am central time and arrived in Indianapolis about 5 pm eastern time. We went on 'gut instance' not really knowing where anything was located in the town as far as the verizon center and our job site, and we just picked the Hampton Inn to stay out which turned out to be smack dab in the middle of the two places! Praise God! Everyone was really nice at helping us feel comfortable and helping us get to the right places. Oh let me throw in here before I forget, when passing through IL I said Hi to Mindy but I don't think she heard me lol. We got to the hotel and crashed for about an hour or so then went to get something to eat. Went back to the hotel and ate then Rose called the hotel to talk to me. Although she told me to go to bed and get some sleep...like YEAH RIGHT DUDE! I did try about 12 am I probably dozed off. We woke up at 5:30 to start getting ready for the day. Took our showers, I seperated skittles for the guys, and we were out of the hotel about 6:45am. We didn't have to be on site till 8 but we we wanted to make sure that we didn't get lost and with the traffic there we didn't want to be late.

We arrive on the site about 7:30 and met with some of the Habitat for Humanity guys, other than them we were the first ones there. We just did small casual talk about 7:45 more Habitat people began to show up and I can't tell you how many people said Congratulations how did you raise THAT much money! Don't worry Gomers or non Gomers you guys got your credit, thank you again for your donations, love and support. So I met Ally who just 2 days before I was practically crying on the phone with when she told me I had to go to TN and well that just wouldn't work for us. Ally found out soon that I had never met Third Day and found out more about how important this was to me. She told EVERYONE my story especially about how big of a third day fan I was lol. Well about 8 am the homeowner gets there Angela and we're ready to get to work.

They start me, mike and angela working on insulation in the house. I got to work with Angela the whole day and that was so flippin awesome God bless her and her home where she will soon become a foster mom! I had a lot of fun with Angela she was a bit shy but you guys know me, soon enough I had her laughing and loosening up in no time. Ally kept coming in to update me on where the guys were and stuff, and get this while we were working our butts off they were cruising the town sipping coffee! Anyway...it took us about 2 hours to get the whole house insulated. About 9:30 Ally comes in the house and says 'Tracey I know you haven't really liked me thus far with all you've been through, but will you like me if I tell you there's a van here filled with a bunch of rockstars?' I just looked up at her and my heart bout fell apart, I was begining to learn my first lesson.

I learned a lot on this trip and it wasn't all about how to be a rockstar or how to build a house. God really showed me some life changing lessons that I was not expecting in this trip. Anyway, let me back up a bit and tell you about the 2nd place winner. To start with I did not like this girl just something about her struck me wrong, maybe it was all in the fact that she took 2nd place from Karen I am not sure. So I am inside the house cutting insulation with Angela and we're laughing and having a great time, I look up and see Jenna (2nd place winner) outside getting her assignments. My attitude changed QUICK. I didn't know she was going to be there and everything I had been through I had a bitter heart. Angela noticed my change in attitude and asked me if I was ok I just tried to pull it off and went back to work. I noticed our laughter and chit chatting had stopped and the mood was just a bummer. Jenna came in the house with her mom, Missy and they were working on their assignment. I felt God tugging at my heart and heard the devil laughing with delight. I had to put aside all that had happened and make this a great time not just for me but Angela and everyone else. So I walk up to Jenna and her mom and introduced myself properly. She knew who I was and acknowledge to quite a few people that I was the top donater (although that wasn't really important). I can't describe the peace that came over me after meeting her. She was a friend of the foot (lol) and was really a cool gal once we started hanging out and stuff.

Ok so back to the guys arriving. While I was standing there frozen thinking what in the heck am I suppose to say or do, Jenna ruins my moment of despair and confusion yells out to me and says come on girl lets go they're finally here! I snapped out of my trance and headed outside and there they were OMG my heart flippin melt. I am sure I had the biggest cheesiest smile on my face ever! Ally just looked at me and said I am so glad we were able to make this work for you, as if everything wasn't enough already your smile just made this trip worth it. I was the happiest girl on the planet! Mac came walking up and just smiled at me real big and waved and did i mention my heart melt!?! So we're all gathering around and the guys are introducing themselves and stuff, and we quickly moved into devotional, I didn't have a chance to really meet Third Day guys yet. After devotional and prayer Ally called me over and said stand right her I'll get the guys over here for you. Tai Anderson was standing right beside me I was like OMG I can smell his cologne this isn't a dream any more! LOL So, the guys come over and I meet them all and they're like yay we got a gomer here. David walks up and I tried so hard to be so sarcastic with these guys but it's hard at times. He looks at me and he says so umm are you a gomer...and I was busting out laughing inside, my shirt says gomers and I am wearing my Third Day hat lol. I just looked at him and said of course what else would I be.

It was hard to get back to work after the guys were there but we made it work. They guys went to put the shingles on the roof and please note...Mark Lee was noted the top lifter of the day by Mac Powell. :p So we go inside and later Mark and Tai follow us inside and we're just talking. Yes, I told mark that there were some broken hearted Gomers because he wasn't following all of us on twitter, he's reply was when you guys get donations coming in to pay for my cell phone bill then I'll follow everyone...Mark Lee doesn't have unlimited texting! Imagine that! Tai just said he learned a long time ago that you can't make all the gomers happy lol. Mark did say that he'd follow me but i've yet to receive that invite yet lol. So mark and Tai wander off again and in comes Mac and we're just standing around doing casual talk with him he asked where I worked and I said I was a sandwich artist at subway thinking woohoo I am so important. And I be dog on if Mac doesn't say really??? We're fans of subway we love those guys and all of a sudden I felt important, lesson number 2 learned. Amazing how certain people's opinions and views of us matter and where we seek approval from.

The guys offered to help but it was pretty much a done deal there were 4 more sections to insert insulation and we were done so we just all hung out and talking small talk and about Revelation and stuff. Yes, Jars of Clay and Switchfoot was there...but what kind of Gomer do you think I am??? I ran to the truck and got the guys their skittles. Tai gets purple and says, awww sweet you even did the color thing that's awesome, Ally was standing close by and said well someone did their homework before coming lol. I give Mark his red and he says something like dude that's so awesome I love red skittles! I give Mac what is suppose to be his green and he says ok I have a confession, I lied in the video I really like orange not green can I trade? LOL I said sure just don't tell David and stay watch out for Tai's purple ones. David was on the roof or somewhere so I just gave his to Mac and he took them to the van. Now on to talk about our truck.

We are really storm chasers, have the truck and all. Everyone LOVED the truck. Switchfoot and Third Day especially they were all asking questions and looking inside our truck which I thought was just flippin awesome us having rockstars in our truck lol. Mark and Mike talked about storm chasing for what seemed like a flippin hour. Then talked about sky diving and we got Scotty in on that talk, Scotty wants to go and Mike was giving him pointers lol. Mark says he'll just stick to being a rockstar that's enough adreliene for him lol. We took group pictures in front of the house and stuff did mini interviews and then I got my camera out to get some pictures of the guys. I also brought out the GOAS! Everyone was like what in the heck is that and the guys and I were trying to explain it and everyone thought it was really cool and creative! Rock on Gomers! I took Karen, Denise and Rose and her family and yes the guys recognized everyone of them. I hope one day I end up a GOAS and they recognize me like that. Anyway, we took a few pictures got a couple autographs and then headed back to the hotel and rest till the show that night. Oh we only worked from 8-11:30 and were outta there by 12 so it wasn't really that bad.

Before leaving the hotel for the concert both Rose and Karen call me to see how things were going. I talked to Rose on and off the whole weekend and she really helped me to calm down and get some sleep surprisingly lol. We get to the Verizon center and all of our tickets aren't there so we have to stand and wait for the guys to come up and give them more tickets and approval. Grant it they got it fixed but it was a heart dropping moment. We get inside and wait around about 30 minutes for the meet and greet and the line was ridiculously long! We had time for one item to be autographed and just pass by pictures of the bands no pose shots. We get there and all the guys are asking if we brought the truck with us and how we rested and said they had a great time hanging out with us today which I thought was so cool. At times I really felt like the Rockstar that day. The concert was flippin amazing, switchfoot is a flippin mad man band lol. The dude was like a monkey climbing on everything and even came out in the crowd standing in the chairs and stuff! It was totally amazing!

Ok, some of you know my Third Day story, briefly here it is. I saw them about 1999-2000 at an Aquire the Fire retreat, I had very sheltering parents and the only way I could go to the show was if my pastor agreed to leave immediately which means we couldn't meet Third Day. We were standing on the balcony and Mac looks up, smiles and winks at me. On that day I felt like I was worth something and worth living for and made a commitment to myself I would meet them if it was the last thing I did. I went through suicide in my younger years and everytime I wanted to do it that night with Mac popped in my head and I couldn't do it. I wrote a note Friday night before the concert and told mac that story although I am sure he didn't remember. When Third Day came on stage, Mac starts singing the first song and gazes the audience and makes eye contact with me. Are you ready for this? He smiles at me waves and yes even the wink and I just started crying. I was the happiest person in the entire world and universe! Mark looked at me with this funny look and just points at me and smiles real big and I got back into the 'rocking mood' lol. The concert was flippin amazing all the bands did a SPECTACULAR job and I can't wait to see them again.

That's my story guys it's really long I know but it was such an amazing trip and I wanted to try and let you guys know everything. Me and Mike and the time of our life this weekend and I feel it sort of brought us closer in a way too. Mike got his picture with Mac and he's so happy about that lol. Oh one last thing, I have a Gomer name finally! Insulated Gomer! To always remind me of this day the insulation we did with Habitat for Humanity and I am insulated with the love and fire of God that will never fade away. Thanks to Habitat for Humanity, all the bands, my husband Mike and all my friends that made this trip possible. Thank you God for making this all possible, this was truly a God trip and if anyone denies it...oh well that's your problem not mine, No Worries. :)

~Insulated Gomer~

Spread the Good News!!!

2008-04-19T07:48:00.001-05:00

I am not sure what to call last night's dream but I must say I've never dreamed anything like it before and I don't think it freaked me out...more excited me so to speak. I dreamed that I was at a park or somewhere outside with lots of people around me...I know Mike was with me I don't remember everyone else. Anywho, I looked into the distance and saw like a picture of my house in the sky, then it faded into a mansion. The clouds began to part...and you guessed it...here comes Jesus riding on a cloud saying this is your home now. WEIRD! Anyway, so I start running around telling everyone Jesus is here Jesus has come back to carry us home, some looked at me in disbelief, some looked at me with excitement and joined me in telling the good news. Just before I woke up out of that dream, Jesus took me by the hand and said this is only but a dream but soon I will be coming back for you all, go spread the word to everyone.

So here I have spread the word...maybe it was but a dream...but take nothing for granted. Jesus will be coming back for us soon and I can't wait to go home and to call him daddy and sit in his arms as I did sometime long ago.

2008-04-09T07:31:00.000-05:00

I have this dear friend, more like a beloved brother. I talk to him about everything. He is always willing to lend an open ear and heart at any time of the day. He is understanding and open minded, at times I feel he's the only one to understand me. He is the one that turns my frown into a smile no matter what. He's the one to never turn his back but always to turn the other cheek. He's the strongest man I've ever seen with a heart of gold and love unconditional and overflowing.

This is a man I met online a few years ago in a christian chat room. He was always uplifting, positive, and always encouraging. He fought the battle of cancer with faith unfailing. Always giving praise to God for everything. He had true joy that he shared with everyone that came across his path. He was a true man of God.

He ended his battle on December 30th 2007. Was the saddest day of my life and yet as I sat here and cried for what seemed like hours...I hid behind a computer screen pretending all was alright. My heart was broken and I felt myself loosing a hope that only he could give me. My brother was one of those people that came into my life and God showed me that there were still good people in the world. People that knew of the love of God and wanted to share it.

When he passed I thought I'd never meet another person like that again. Although I can not honestly say I've meant another person just like him...I have met people with very similar traits. People I have become close to. People I have shared my story with, people that I've shared love unconditional and a faith unfailing. There is still hope in this world...not everyone is bad. So to those of you (you know who you are) I thank you for shedding the light and love of Christ towards not only me...but everyone around you.

I dedicate this blog to a faithful servant, honest man of God, true friend and beloved friend, Benny aka Servant. I love you brother, save my seat in heaven!

My Testimony

2008-04-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

I was born May 7th 1987 at Betsy Johnston Hospital in Dunn, North Carolina. Still to this day, a part of me feels that was my first mistake. The doctor told my parents I was to be a boy...of course they were extremely excited as I was the 2nd child and my dad wanted someone to carry on the family name. Obviously as you can see...the doctor made a 'mistake'. I know my mom loves me and deep down I feel my dad does too...just something has a wall between us.

Lets skip a few years to when my life began to change drastically. One bright blissful morning I woke up to prepare for another day of 5th grade. I went to the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth and such. My sister entered as well (she was in 7th grade) and I said good morning isn't God good? I was quickly told to shut up and not to say HIS name again. I said umm ok but I love ya and Jesus does too...and that began my living nightmare. My sister grabbed me by the shirt threw me against the wall and looked me in the eyes and threatened me to never say His name again. I knew something was wrong...the look in her eyes I'll never forget...I knew it was the begining of something bad. We were raised in church with family...so I didn't see what the big deal was. I shook everything off and went to school as though nothing ever happened.

That was only the begining of my abuse years. It happened everyday for 5 years. Everything from being thrown into doors and having them broke...to having things thrown at me, to having a knife held above me while I prayed harder than ever for someone to come in. I became petrified and in a way...I wish she would have just killed me just to save me from the daily ongoing pain. I couldn't tell anyone or I knew more devestating trouble would follow. My parents worked and so they had no clue of anything that was going on...they just saw the evidence of broken doors and such. Of course I took the blame for it and was punished every time.

Begining in my 5th grade year my sister revealed to me that she was having affair with teachers at school. I was made to call the teachers and get them on the phone in case the wife picked up. I was always walking a tight rope...if I didn't be nice to them I was doomed and if I was too nice I was doomed. A vicious cycle I never thought would end. My sister slept with anyone and everyone and I lost my trust in everyone. Everyone you're suppose to trust; cops, teachers, doctors and even parents...I lost it all. I became angry with God that I was in the situation...and it all started by me saying God is good...Jesus loves you.

I was loosing my faith slowly but surely. I needed help and wanted to get out. Many nights I cried myself to sleep begging God to come rescue me. I began to become numb to the pain and hurt that I felt not only on the outside but inside as well. My parents couldn't see through and see what was really happening, my sister wanted me dead for some reason, my nana and papa adored my sister and cousins and I was neglected, my great grams and grandpappy loved me I knew but were too far away to visit or call. My bestest and closest friend was my grams on my dad's side. To this day I still believe that she knew what was going on and always gave me that teaspoon of faith and hope I needed to push on.

July 27th 1999 I gave my life to Christ restored my trust and faith in him to lift me outta my pit of hell. I was still being abused on daily basis not only from my sister but also teachers and others that she 'fooled around' with. I was teased and harrased at school as news began to spread about my sister. I was humiliated, I just wanted to crawl into a 20 foot hole and cover the top. In 9th grade health class abuse was brought up...and I built up the courage to tell my teacher what was going on and that's when my world began to change. I was sent to talk to a counselor and told her everything that was going on. My parents refused to believe what I had just revealed and I believe that hurt more than anything. My sister finally confessed to everything and was sent away to get some help.

I managed to survive high school, I can't say it was the best years of my life though. If my sister hadn't 'fooled around' with my teacher she had 'fooled around' with my teachers husband or boyfriend. I was teased and harrased almost daily by boys in the school telling me they'll pay me 2 dollars if I slept with them and stuff. I graduated 2005 with honors and all glory to God. There were about 5 teachers that helped me get there and without them I don't know where I'd be right now. July 26 2005 I moved out of my parents house as things just weren't good at home. Nothing was the same after everything was revealed. I was stretched between working at Andy's, going to CCCC full time, helping with the youth at church and living a secret life. My grams passed away September 25th 2005...I had lost my best friend and only hope.

I hit my rebellion stage and was just extremely angry with everyone and everything. I turned to speed, alcohol, and addictions to energy drinks and internet. I soon quit speed to some friends that I knew online...helped me work through it...Praise God. I continued drinking on daily basis...my room mate was of age and bought it for me so I had easy access. CVS eventually refused to sell me any more energy drinks and passed the word to Food Lion next door...yeh it was that bad. I was drinking anywhere between 4-10 a day. Internet consumed my life...if not on the road working or at school I was online chatting away with anyone and everyone. I began living in a fantasy world.

In between I was engaged for the first time 12-2-05 to Matt Sorrell. Also on 12-2-05 I was in a tragic car accident that was quoted to have meant to be my killer. I walked away without a scratch but car completely totaled. I thanked God for sparing my life and it really woke me up. Although I had tried suicide before with cutting and overdosing on OTC aspirin...in reality...I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I lost my priorities and was forced to move out, so on 2-18-06 I hit the road to Knoxville, TN to move in with some people that I met online. We arrived on 2-19-06 about 12:30 in the morning stayed up all night talking and the next day celebrated the birthday of their 6 year old son.

I soon found out that I was now the care taker of their son. Between his schooling, 'spiritual learning' and even just spending quality time with him...it was all my job. I was made a moderator at the chat site that these people ran and that consumed my nights. My life was spinning out of control. 2 months after moving to TN...my engagement was called off. I had little or no contact with my family as I was 'banned' until I got my life straight...or so that's how I felt. More abuse followed with the people I lived with and I moved 8 more times back and forth between homes. I had no control of my life and I was completely miserable. I ran away 3 times only to be caught.

I moved out with these people I met online and moved in with who was my boyfrind at the time, Lincoln. I moved in with him and 2 other guys he was staying with...BIG mistake. I started drinking again and became a really horrid person. I hated my life it had no point I was just sitting around watching life pass me by. I still struggled with internet addictions. My boyfriend became abuse to me as well, I did everything to protect myself but to not anger him any more. Needless to say we broke up...but I had no where to go so I stayed there till I got money to make a move. (meanwhile in my internet life I was extremely close friends with a guy named Mike...a moderator in a christian chat room) I got a job at Walmart and I began to change my attitude about life...until, my first night of work. When Lincoln picked me up that night he told me two bullets were on the counter and he wanted me to do something before he did. I panicked...he began to drive careless and I didn't think we'd make it home alive.

We arrived home and his best friend pulled in behind us...I knew it was bad...I ran for the door and tried to get rid of the bullets...but his friend got them first and Lincoln got the gun. The house was trashed my stuff was thrown EVERYWHERE! I knew for sure I was gonna die. I had no trust with authority so this played a big part in my next step. Lincoln and his friend left and said they'd be back...they left with the gun and bullets. While they were gone I called Mike and he talked me into calling the police as he couldn't afford to bring me to MN where he lived. I called the police just in the nic of time they arrived 2 minutes later the boys were back and I soon found out that police suck! The cops did nothing as they were buddies with Lincoln's pal. They did send me to a woman's shelter. I cannot explain how I felt that night.

I spent 5 hours at the police station to be shipped to the women's shelter at 2 am. When I arrived I was told to go to bed and they'd wake me in the morning. I went to my room but didn't get much sleep. I held my monk monk close and cried for hours. THe next morning the leader of the house told me how lucky I was to get out alive and how impressed she was that I got out noticing the warning signs. I stayed with a friend for 2 weeks and then moved to MN on March 30th 2007 with Mike. My 'friend' in TN kept my stuff for me as I couldn't care it all on the bus...later to find out that half my stuff and my most sentimentals were stolen. Things for me and Mike moved sort of fast...I spent my 20th birthday with him and married June 17th 2007. I've been the happiest I've ever been in my life. Mike is 47 and I never dreamed of being with an older man after experiencing my past. Mike is an amazing man of God and would do anything in the world for me. We are best friends till death do us part.

Over the years in between my family had little contact with me...to this day none of them really have contact with me. I talk to my aunt maybe 2 times a month. I call my great grandparents weekly now and keep them posted on everything. Amazing and by the grace of God...I speak to my mom on a daily basis and we have become like best friends. I have enough faith and hope that the rest will speak to me in God's timing. I work a full time job at the Byron Market Place, my addictions have been broken in the name of Jesus...although I still enjoy the internet there is no longer addiction but instead balance. I haven't had a drink in about 8 months and will try to keep it that way until age 21 at least lol, but now I am responsible to drink and not drink out of emotions. I have been a victor of abuse in the name of Jesus for 1 year and 4 days now. I look back on my life and can honestly see where God was with me every step of the way even though I couldn't see it then.

North vs South

2008-04-01T17:14:00.000-05:00

Ok this is base of course on my personal experiences of living in both the south and north. I was born and raised in the south and boy are things different than the north.

1. Northern People say Good Heavens...Southern folk (where I come from) say good grief.

2. Northern people say you guys...Southern folk say ya'll.

3. Most northerners think that a mild hot sauce is hotter than hell itself...Southerns pile on the flaming hot sauce and yell for more.

4. Northerns just say yeh and no and think nothing of it...Southerns say yes ma'am no ma'am yes sir no sir or expect to be slapped.

Grant it some of this may be a little different depending on where you grew up...but this is just how my life was and is. When I first started working I was picked on a lot because of 2 reasons. I talked with a weird accent that people nevertheless loved, and because I used ma'am and sir. It was like really foriegn to them for some reason...I didn't see what the big deal was. I have noticed since I've been there...people have began using the phrases...sir and ma'am. It's pretty cool at how one point they all laugh at you and yet in time they begin to pick it up. I never forced anyone to use the words or anything...I just show respect for all, whether they be costumers, managers or just side by side co workers. Most people think that only bad habits are picked up and carried on...I believe this proves this 'belief' to be untrue.

Work was ok today. Really hectic and busy and old people don't like me for some reason...well not all anyways. Everyone kept calling me cute today for some reason haha I don't know why...it's like I was a little kid or something I am just glad they didn't pinch my cheeks lol. There was a point in my day though I don't know if I was just overwhelmed or what...but I was thinking of Penny and I just started crying. Of course I couldn't just hop online and see if she was ok or whatever...so I just said a prayer. Poor Joseph wasn't feeling well...but he'll pull through. Anywho that was my day I suppose...oh did I mention I have like the best flippin friends ever???

Sunday and Monday

2008-03-31T16:24:00.001-05:00

Sunday started off well I woke up at 7 am with a mission in mind. After the talk with Debbie Saturday night a BRILLIANT idea popped into my head. (check out facebook for more info) So I go for a early morning run up to the store and Mike meets me there with the truck we run to walmart to get supplies and head back home and I get to work. I am not joking or exaggerating when I say I worked ALL day on my 'Murray project'. I dressed up as a guy with the name of Murray and decided to make myself Debbie and Corrine's fan club manager lol. Yeh, talk about weird...but I had a lot of fun and I got brownies outta the deal...AND I gave two people (at least) a good laugh and that was worth it all in itself. I also started a fan club on facebook for them haha. It wasn't suppose to be serious but so many people have jumped on and so I am just gonna leave it up. Those two women deserve that and more.

Monday started off fabulous. Joan made a fan club all about me lol...I thought it was really sweet and thoughtful. Weird thing...people actually have joined in!!! Most people would probably look at it like ummm ok whatever...but to me it meant a lot and was really special to read everyone's comments and such. Work started off ok but then Jamie called in and everything went into chaos. I was moved to fuel Sue came in and worked grocery (I plea the 5th on stating my feelings on that), and I got nothing accomplished today. I felt horrible because of it. Monday is truck day and I have it all planned out how I'll do what and when. Oh well that's life I suppose. I just had to make the best outta the sitaution. We got a lot of rain and some snow today and I guess it made people crabby. It's like everyone had an attitude with me today I was like sheesh what did i do??? Thinking back to my fan club cheered me up though and made the time fly by a little faster.

Today is my one year anniversary of being with Mike in person...and one year of being abuse free! It feels so good to be set free from the bondage and chains it had on my life. I am a VICTOR of abuse PRAISE GOD!!!

I am home now and just trying to relax...it's a bit cold. I have something that I want to write about Debbie and Corrine I just hope I can find the words to say which would be a miracle in itself. Anywho off to find some chocolate and caffiene then to do some more writing.

2008-03-29T16:04:00.001-05:00

Today has been a good day. It was good to just be able to relax and not have to worry about going into work. I've just spent the day taking it easy hanging out with the gomers and such. I walked over to Jeri's house today and spent about an hour just chatting with her about anything and everything. We're making some plans to get together in the near future when I start getting some money coming back in...I can't wait.

Ok so check it out dude...we just opened our 12-pack of coke that we bought this morning and there was some kind of weird substance in there. We have no clue what it was but the cops came out and they are taking it to investigate...guess we'll find out soon. We could have a lawsuit against coke HAHA (jk)!

Tomorrow I am thinking about going for a run up to the store just to get out and get a little excersize...keep my legs active as they've really been killing me lately. Me and Mike are gonna cook out tomorrow. The weather is finally starting to look up and we're gonna take advantage of it while we can. Jeri wants to start walking too to try and loose weight but has to wait until her sons wrestling season is over in April.

Anywho that's my day and my plans for tomorrow. I wrote a really good blog earlier this morning but as I was posting it it some how got lost...if it comes back to me I'll post it.

3-28-08

2008-03-28T17:14:00.000-05:00

I am sort of surprised to say that today was a great day. This morning I woke up took a shower grabbed the caffiene and hopped online before work to check messages. Mama gomer gave me a link to her and auntie gomers videos and I was brave enough to watch them before work. You know it's sort of weird...most people probably wouldn't find them funny...and I am not sure what exactly is so funny but those two trip me out!

I head into work and gave everyone a good morning...as I past Tara I could resist but to say Good morning old lady LOL. (As yesterday she took my compliment as an insult to her age) She was still having a laugh about that today going around telling everyone and anybody. The day was fairly slow and I was running out of things to do. I cleaned the whole front end and did some facing as my main projects for the day. I surprised myself at how much I really remembered as I ran across a couple of issues myself but was able to fix it without calling a manager...and I was also able to help the 3:30 chick that came in...don't ask me her name...I have no idea lol.

Anywho my lil 5 year old buddy came in today, Riley. OMG I love this kid she's absolutely adorable with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She came in with her grams and saw me and her eyes lit up. It's the first time she's seen me since I've come back. Well I said hi to her and honest to God she puts her hands on her hips and says you left me and my mommy and didn't tell us bye we didn't know where you were I'll talk to you when I am ready. My jaw just hit the floor and I couldn't help but giggle and just say yes ma'am! Well she was getting a jump rope and I always had her her goodies back when I ring them up...but I just held onto it this time. She just gave me this funny look like hey that's mine...then said ok ok hi now can I have it? LOL I love kids they are so funny and really brighten my day.

I managed to get out on time today WITH a Caramello bar in hand yummy!!! I have to make a few phone calls. Grams isn't doing too good and is really starting to worry me *sigh*. I gotta call mama D back she was busy last night singing at the homeless shelter, and I gotta call my mom back. It was a really good day and I have been so blessed by what most would see as just 'little things'. It's the little things that are over looked sometimes and under estimated. Look for blessings in your life and keep in mind that, big blessings can come in small packages!

God's Blessings

2008-03-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

After a stressful day coming home and ranting and raving about it in my post...I must say God has brought me at peace. I admit work was hard...I was a bit irritated with people coming into work but then hanging out in the break room instead of getting to work. In the last 2 hours I've completely come at peace and this is how and why.

1. I received a reply from mama D and a few things came up that I had no idea she was feeling. After a few tears and deep breaths...I began to feel better. I miss her so much and love her more than I believe anyone will ever know. She really helped me a lot of times...and if she could have...she would have locked me away so nothing bad would ever happen to me. When I told her I was leaving town she just seemed not to care and I was a bit hurt...but that was talked about too. Things make sense now...I am glad we're talking again like we used to...I can't wait to see her again.

2. Emily got online this evening after I got home and I got to talk to her for a bit again. Although it was mostly me talking about Donna's email...I enjoy just spending time with her. I am so thankful that she's always there to listen to me and lend a shoulder when I need it. She always seems to put a smile on my face at the perfect times....I hope I do the same for her.

3. After I sent my reply back to Donna and said farewell to Emily...I went into praise and worship. Something that totally hit the spot. The love I felt from my 'family' and friends was awesome...but to feel it from God as well...PRICELESS!!! I spent about an hour just singing out praises to him and thanking him for the day all the good and the bad and helping me get through it. A God...our God...my God...would take the time to sit down beside me and let me cry on his shoulder and relieve myself of all the stress from the day.

I have to admit...I have some of the greatest friends ever. From near to far spread through out the whole country...some I have grown up with some I have grown close to. Some I have had sleep overs with...some I have only dreamed of meeting. In the end they are all the same with unconditional love and always there for me when I need it. I say I have a lot of best friends they're all too great to just name one of them the best. But I do indeed have a best friend, his name is Jesus. He's the ultimate and spends everyday with me. Sometimes he feels near sometimes he feels so far away due to overwhelming feelings of the day. He raised me from a babe and always had His hand guiding me towards his perfect will of my life. He has watched over me when I was awake and fast asleep, as I dream of the day when I will be with Him in paradise as he promised me.

I am so blessed to have the friends I do and to have God still standing by my side. I thought he would have given up on me a long time ago, but he never has and never will. He is my strength when I am weak He is the treasure that I seek, He is my all in all!

3-27-08

2008-03-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

Omg...if there has ever been a stressful day...today was the day. My day did start out pretty good though. I had messages in my inbox from Donna K, Donna L who claims to be my seregant mother, like 5 of my gomer pals on facebook and to top it all off...I actually got to talk to Emily for about 15 minutes on yahoo this morning before work. I was happy all was grand. I arrive at work and it's a truck day...I just stayed focused but did try to slow down a little today. I worked with Tara most of the day putting the load away and such. I learned how to do the magazines for the first time and what a pain in the butt!

About 2 pm rolls around I have an hour and a half to get 2 more crates put away, movies checked in, lottery done, drawer organized and station cleaned. I knew I was running out of time and wouldn't make it. I tried to stay calm Tara came by noticing I was stressing out b/c it wasn't all done and told me to just breathe and take it easy that it'd be ok. So I tried to take her advice...I open the last crate and get off easy as there was no slip inside for me to check everything off. 1 down and 4 to go...I cleaned up one area and rushed over to start getting the movies done...keep in mind an hour has already passed by. People kept coming in and I kept getting side tracked...I just couldn't do it alone. I began to give up slowly knowing there was no way I was gonna get it all done. I managed to catch a break and got the movies checked in half way...but no big deal night people can find the cards and put them away.

I put my sign out at 3:30 on the dot to try and rush to get my lottery done and my actual work station cleaned up. Half way in the middle of me doing my lottery another line backs up and the other chick freaks out and calls for help...meanwhile Eric (manager) takes my sign down and calls people over...and here comes 5 more people down my lane. I couldn't believe it...I just wanted to scream. I turned and looked at Eric and told him to get a drawer that I was leaving. He seemed agitated that I told him my shift was up...but that's not my fault. I finished getting the line down closed out lottery did a quick clean up and ran out the door not bothering to organize my drawer. On my way out the door hearing 3 people calling out my name and I said nuh uh leave a message at the beep Tracey has left the building!

I am sooooo glad tomorrow is Friday. I love it when I have things to do to keep me busy...but when I can't finish out my day I really take it hard on myself. Something I have to work on...it's just me. My managers tell me not to worry about it that they'll take care of it that I did enough for the day...but every morning I go in I set a standard on all I want to get done and if I don't get it done then I feel horrible and like I have failed. Anywho that's another story for another time. Thank God tomorrow is Friday!

Long Day

2008-03-26T16:47:00.000-05:00

Ok so this morning started ok...^^this^^ is what I looked like before work. I thought it'd be best NOT to watch mama and debbie on video again...the one day I could have used it. I had everything done at work by 9:15am and I was going completely outta my mind. There was NOTHING to do...and everyone is too poor to pay $3.15 a gallon for gas these days to go out.

You know what I hate? I really hate middle aged tattle tales...I sworny!!! One of the chick that I work with hates my guts for some reason...if I stop moving for 1 second she runs off and tells a manager and it drives me absolutely mad. The funny thing that some don't know is that we all watch either others back...so I had a heads up on what she was doing and knew it was just a matter of time before Wayne came out. In the end of random banter...we ended it all off in laughs and me on break.

I was invited by the girls to go play bingo on tuesday nights...I must say I got that 'childish girly excitement' going in me for only a brief moment. I haven't played bingo since my grams...she was the only one I ever played with. I feel if I play bingo without her...it sort of takes away a special moment between me and grams, so I've yet decided if I am going to join the girls night out.

I walked home from work today with beautiful weather...a bit windy but all in all good. It's so funny the little things that God can show us...through the littelest people. There were quite a few kids out in the neighborhood playing basketball, lacross and little 'contest' on who can jump the highest and run the fastest. I noticed that as I walked by and they noticed me coming...every one of them began to 'show off' a bit...as though there was something to prove to me...a passing stranger. They ended up making more mistakes and becoming a bit embarrased. I just laughed it off and kept going...as I was crossing through the park to the complex...it dawned on me, I too do the same everyday. When Randy or Wayne comes around especially I try to move a little faster do things a tad bit better than I would if they weren't around. Don't get me wrong I do my job to the fullest...but there's always a little more...that 'special touch' you can add. I wonder how 'foolish' and how many more mistakes I actually make when I try to speed things up and add the 'special touch' to things. A simple lesson in just being yourself!

Day wasn't THAT bad I suppose...^^this^^ is how I turned out at the end. Umm yeah I am definitely glad the day is over!

2008-03-25T17:06:00.000-05:00

Day started out pretty good. I woke up at 6:30 showered and grabbed the caffiene. Decided I'd chill out online for a little bit before work. Never knowing that that was my first wrong move of the day! So I get on and run across mama gomer's facebook profile...I was still moving a bit slow and needed a boost...so I watched THE VIDEO again. That's right the hot sauce mama and debbie crack me up so bad video. Well it did it's job...TOO much. I sworny every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jane bought hot sauce today and I couldn't stop laughing to save my life. I tried to hold it in...but then I'd see mama's face go 10 shades red and hear Debbie saying I think mama needs a moment of meditation and privacy. So everyone saw me making weird faces and turning red as I was trying to hold my laughter in...it was HORRIBLE. Like they don't think I am a big enough freak anyway. I had a great day though...a little laughter never killed anyone lol.

The day was really hectic and fast pace...I didn't even take a lunch break till 2 today. I didn't wanna stop work I felt I was falling behind I had so much I wanted to get done. Wayne finally came up to me and told me ENOUGH lol. That's pretty sad when your manager forces you to take a break lol. Good news...I got everything done today so I feel accomplished. Things are still going really well. Although Wayne and Tara can't stop picking on me to save their lives...I have an awesome time bantering back and forth with them lol.

I got an email from an old ummm 'rival' last night and this morning. Someone I know from another chat room and well we just never got along. I am not really sure why but she asked if she could speak with my privately and gave me her msn addy. I am sort of anxious to see what she has to say. I haven't been to that chat in a while...and only recently been in as one of the mods told me a lot of people were asking about me. I hope whatever it is she has to say is better than things thats been said in the past...we'll see.

Anywho that was my day...ready to just relax and go goof off with my gomer pals on the 3d boards. Tomorrow is a new day...new obstacles...with new ways to make a fool of yourself!

First day back to work.

2008-03-24T16:24:00.000-05:00

Well I must start by saying that I have not seen 6 o'clock show up twice in 1 day in a loooong time. I managed to get up on time drag myself to the shower stretch a smile across my face and make it to work on time. Arriving at work was great...there were a lot of happy people to see me back. It feels good to be missed...I wouldn't go as far as saying loved lol...but at least I could tell I was and am cared about.

The day started off slow I was shown how to check movies in and deal with all that paperwork stuff...which was partially my first time doing...but I suceeded. I had that done and the front end cleaned by 9 am. With in my first two hours I had already been cussed out by a customer via phone...as she swore on her life she had her movies turned in...they showed up later in the day when I did a 2nd check in the box...surprise surprise. Anywho, about 9:30 they brought out the HBA merchandise from the truck to be checked in and put away. Between messing with that mess, working my till, helping random customers and answer phone calls I managed to get all the HBA merchandise checked in and put away by 1:30pm.

Now here's the funny thing, I have never really worked 'side by side' with Tara and Wayne...today was my first day. I must say I believe I impressed them when I showed them all I had accomplished. At 1:30 I was done with EVERYTHING...there was nothing else to do and the customers were slow today. I went to Tara and Wayne asking for more work and they just laughed me off telling me to go do the HBA. It took me dragging them over to the area and showing them that it was all checked in AND put away where it belongs. They had nothing else to say besides go to lunch lol.

That's another problem I had...I HATE TAKING LUNCH BREAKS!!! I'd rather be working I can't sit down for 15 minutes much less 30 minutes. So I just took it easy and goofed around with my co workers. After a long day of being cussed out by customers, managers and co workers picking on me, me being fussed out to slow down with my work process, fighting not to take a lunch break...I'd have to say the day didn't end half bad lol. I am happy to be back although it is bit of a change and I really work alone at the front...I really had a great day and enjoy the crew that I work with. I am excited to finish out the rest of the week. Tomorrow I get to sleep in an extra hour...WOOHOO!!!

Easter Sunday 2008

2008-03-23T15:54:00.000-05:00

I must admit I have a few mixed feelings about Easter...especially this year. I used to count down the days to Easter. No, not just because we woke up to easter baskets full of candy and stuffed animals; but because I knew that day my grandma would have the best day of her life. It was the one day out of the year that she could actually get all of my family together. No matter what, you could always count on seeing all the family that one day out of the year.

Grandma passed away September 25 2005 and well honestly...nothing has been the same. Not only do I miss her more than words could EVER express, I miss my family coming together...if only for that one day out of the year. I have moved away since then first to Tennessee and now in Minnesota, I am far from home and my family. It has been a challenge but I believe today I realized how much I miss home. This past year has really been an eye opener for me and I've really matured in a lot of my ways.

I realize the importance of family, friends, home, love and even life itself. Maybe that's why this Easter is a bit difficult to get through. With my family over 1,000 miles away, Mike's family is scattered all about it just seems that Easter has a new meaning. We haven't done much for Easter this year...honestly we did nothing. I've spent most of my day thinking of past Easter gatherings back home and wondering when and how Mike and I will begin our own family traditions.

All that said and set aside, the true meaning of Easter still remains. Family is amazing, seeing family members dressed as Easter bunny is ridiculously halarious, traditions are carried on, Resurrection of Christ...priceless. It brings joy, excitment and deeper understanding of love when I think back to the cruxifiction of Christ. The sacrafice he made WILLINGLY, knowing that at any minute he could have said I have had enough and walked away from it all. How many times do we scream out and say ENOUGH and give up on ourselves, our friends and even our families? Just as Christ endured the ulitmate sacrifice till the end, then came back rising from the dead; shouldn't we do the same? Look at all the good, love and joy that came out of his sacrafice and resurrection; I believe that if we 'stick it out' as Christ did and push through the hard times...we too will experience good times, unconditional love and pure joy beyond all understanding...and it will be passed down from generation to generation.

I hope and pray that you all had a blessed Easter no matter the circumstances you may be in, no matter how far away you are from family. Start a new tradition this year, a tradition that could have endless possibilities. God bless you all.

Faith

2008-03-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

Originally written Sunday March 16 2008 9:44 am

Last night I woke up at 12:57 am wide awake. For some reason I was thinking back to my time over the last 3 years with all my moves through NC and TN up to MN. Most of my life has been spent in fear.

As a child I fear all that I did not know, would I make it in this world, what do I do and where do I go. Later on in life I began to fear that which I knew. A little later in life I began to fear for life itself. I had placed myself in positions where I did not know if I would survive the day or not. I turned to alcohol, drugs and other addictions I never believed I could get out of. As I moved to TN things only got worse.

I found myself living with complete strangers, being a mother to a child they didn't deserve. I found myself fighting with abuse once again. I found myself living with 3 men who only knew of the party life. I found myself drowning in fear. I couldn't sleep at night worrying what would happened if I dozed off for only a moment.

When in TN I began to start trying to get my head above water. Although I was still living with a man...I knew I could win this fight I got myself into. I fell in love with God on a level I had never been before. It was deeper than anything I experienced as a child. I actually had breakfeast, lunch and dinner dates set up with him. We'd just sit and talk for hours and look at his art work. I had found a way to escape my fear...through God...he raised me up and set my feat back on solid ground.

Then something happened and my world once again came crashing down. The man I lived with became violent. I found myself trapped in a place I knew for sure would cost me my life. Going days without food and having to keep it a secret. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and I slowly began to give up. I knew it was a matter of time before my life would be taken from me.

As I laid awake many nights wondering when the end would come, I never expected to find myself thinking of God. When people are in their final moments of life they usually find themselves thinking of family, friends, where they went wrong, what they could of done different and such things. I found myself thinking of my 'dates' with God. The peace and happiness that I had in those moments. I longed to be there with him again. I needed him to come and rescue me out of my pit of despair and loniness.

Since I found myself unable to sleep and all alone in the house...I decided to praise God and pray for answers. I was reminded of Paul and Silas in the bible, and held strong to my faith. The night that I knew I would surely died was the night my 'jail and chains' began to crumble and fall. The guy I was staying with pulled a gun on me and had his friend their backing him up. Then they just left the house and said they'd be back. It was my chance to escape.

I had trust issues with authorities but knew I had to call the cops. So I placed my trust completely in God and made the call. That night I was taken away, 'unharmed' but shooken up, to a women's shelter to start a new chapter in my life.

I know this is a bit long, but I realized the importance of life. I've had a lot of things taken from me. A lot of sentimental things, food, freedom, respect and nearly life itself. One thing that was not taken away and never will be taken away is FAITH. There were many times I turned away from God and yelled at him in anger, but there was NEVER a time in which he left me. He was always there even when I couldn't see him. Now that I look back I see him standing right there with me, many times carrying me.

Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Job Opportunity

2008-03-22T13:44:00.000-05:00

So I got a call from Wayne yesterday and he wanted me to come in and have a talk with him and Tara about me returning to work for Byron Market Place. At first I was all excited but arriving at the store and actually standing there waiting for them to call me in...I suddenly became extremely nervous. You see Wayne is this kind of guy well he's tough. Not necessarily mean but you definitely do NOT want to be caught on his bad side. Anywho, the meeting started and we discussed issues that were at hand. I felt they really listened to me and my concerns, and I did the same for them in return. We both expressed our gratitude to the other just for the opportunity and intrests of me coming back to work. Wayne expressed to me that he took it personal when I left and I swear I think he got teary eyed...I saw it! LOL but that's our little secret...wouldn't want to ruin his reputation or anything. ;)

So after about half an hour of talking with Wayne and Tara they decided to give me a second chance which I am ever so grateful for. I will be working day time shift now...taking over Jenn's hours while she is on maternity leave. I start Monday morning at 7am...OUCH! They said they really like me there but they've never seen my morning side LOL. We'll see how it all goes and how well we all hold up to our word in the next coming weeks.